Seeing Red, Feeling Blue

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One of the experiences I am surprised to discover in the months following my miscarriage, is the actual anger I feel when 28 days go by, and, I see “red” again.
Why does this make me feel angry?

Because it is a reminder–as if I could forget!!–that my body isn’t carrying my baby anymore.

You are not supposed to bleed when you are pregnant.

It makes me angry because I don’t want to bleed. I want to still be pregnant.
And, it makes me angry because it reminds me that I can’t blame myself. I can’t blame my body. My body releases an egg, prepares a cushion of endometrium, and then, releases it all, so that it can try again. It is what my body is supposed to do.

My body is working.

My 28 day reunion with red is a personal reminder that my body is physically ready to carry a baby, even if I’m emotionally not.

My body isn’t going to sit around and just wait for my emotions to catch up.

It isn’t a slave to my feelings.

And, for that, I truly need to praise the Lord.

How deceiving it would be, if I could pretend this experience away, hide my menstual cycle and my body’s inner workings.

So, this time, I am going to embrace the emotional challenges of seeing red without giving in to feeling blue.

Genesis 4:10 tells me that God hears the blood. He knows the hurt behind it, but he knows the value in it, too. And, what’s more, He knows my heart, and He knows suffering too (Isaiah 53:3). So, even if this is weird to share with you, it’s not weird to share with Him.

Matthew 9:19-21 gives me a biblical example of hope from a woman who bled for years–not just every 28 days: “If I only touch His clothes, I’ll get well.”

This time, I’m going to cling to the instruction, and to the promise, of 2 Corinthians 4:18:
I will fix my eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what
is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
I am going to remember that I have a baby, alive and well, in Heaven.
I am going to remember I have a Father, who loves me so much that He’d be willing to allow me hurt, willing to allow me suffering, because even through the mystery of this suffering, it is not without meaning (Romans 8:28-29), that my anger should be identified as the “fire” that is testing my faith (1 Peter 1:6-7) because pain reminds me to hope (Romans 5:3-4), and inspires me to continue in my Christian maturation (Philipians 3:12-14), and that, when my work is finished, I will be lacking in nothing (James 1:34). Lacking in nothing. And I will be able to share this blessing with others (Philippians 1:12-14).
I am going to face the red with self control, because my eyes are fixed on Jesus. Amen.
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