I Still Believe

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Told by: Stormy

Gideon is going to be a big brother!  Click here to read Gideon’s story.

Yes, my husband and I are pregnant!

Pretty shocking, huh? It was a huge surprise to us too! It took  us 41 months to get pregnant with Gideon and so when we found out we were pregnant again quickly, we were shocked! It took us totally off guard. Its crazy what God does sometimes. But this child, like Gideon, is a miracle from Him, especially considering my husband and I have infertility issues.

We are so excited to be blessed with this child!

I have been to the doctor already 4 times and I have had 2 ultrasounds. And so far, so good. Everything looks great with this little one. Every time at the doctor we have seen or heard this baby’s heartbeat and it has been strong and fast. Gideon’s was the same way at this point. When I was 15 weeks pregnant with him, everything was perfect. I have been able to feel this baby moving for a while now, since I was about 11 weeks or so. I felt Gideon move for the first time at 19 weeks. It is wonderful and exciting to feel this little one move all around! I loved getting to know Gideon through his kicks inside of me, and I will love getting to know this little one too.

This baby is due on May 3rd! I am hoping to be induced a little early, for many reasons, one being that Gideon’s first birthday will be on May 17th. I am not sure how I feel about them having the same birth month. And then, as we get closer to my due date, I can imagine, and from what I have heard from others, it is very stressful. So, I am hoping to have this baby a little early for my mental state, and because part of me doesn’t want both of my children to have the same birth month. I don’t know if I can handle that, honestly. But we shall see how I feel come April. I might change my mind.

My belly is huge already! Hahaha. Like I said before, I am 15 weeks with this baby and my belly is as big as it was with Gideon at like 20-21 weeks. It is because I have already had a baby and my stomach muscles are all relaxed and since this baby and Gideon are so close together, it usually means that you start showing sooner.

I go in to have another ultrasound in about a week. I am using the same doctor I had with Gideon because I trust him and he is a very cautious doctor. And he is a Believer and so we hold the same views on life. He is always careful with his patients, but he is being even more so with me.  There is nothing wrong with me that would cause another stillbirth, but he is being extra safe anyway. He is also having me go and see an Internal Fetal Medicine doctor, just to be on the safe side, so she can check me out too.

Still, I am terrified. I know the Lord is not a God of fear, but I am afraid that this child may die too.

What if we have to say goodbye to this child, too? Am I strong enough for that? Can we survive more grief? What if this baby dies? Can I handle picking out another headstone?…The thing is, people will say “well, lighting doesn’t strike in the same place twice” or “nothing will happen this time” or something of that nature. And the reality is, there are no guarantees. Job had everything taken from him. His children, his livestock, his health. Everything. For him, lightning struck more than twice in the same place. I know a beautiful woman who has had 5 miscarriages, a stillbirth and a son who passed away after spending his precious, short life in the NICU. I know another woman who has had 3 stillbirths. Her first 2 losses were caused by the same medical reason and her last loss was from something completely different. Another woman I have met, had a daughter pass away at a week old, and then had a son at 15 weeks, and after the birth of 2 living children, has had 2 more miscarriages.
So many people I know with so much loss. So many babies who have gone to heaven. I know all too well that there really are no guarantees. Just because I am out of my first trimester doesnt mean I am “safe” now. Gideon died at 33 weeks, if he had been born alive, he could have lived. So there is no “safe.”
I am fine with people telling me “I really feel like this baby is going to live” or if God Himself gives you a revelation, then by all means, please tell me. But I know; I know the true pain of loving and getting to know your child and then them dying and being left with empty arms.

The truth is: this baby might die too. This baby might die before I want him/her to. However, I am trusting the Lord. We are trusting Him through this. Trusting, not that this child won’t die, but trusting in the promise of Eternity and the Resurrection and the coming of the New Heaven and New Earth: in Him, is where my trust rests, not in what may or may not happen: on Him, not on my circumstance.

Having a baby doesn’t change this grief that we are carrying. It doesnt make it “ok.” It doesnt make us “all better” or “over it,” because that is impossible. I will never be OK with Gideon not being here; I will never be better or over my son’s death. So know, that we
are still hurting deeply. We still ache with all our hearts. I constantly feel pain, no matter what I am doing because of the space that Gideon left. We still miss Gideon with everything that is in us. He has a completely special place in our hearts that cannot be replaced.  Every single moment, I wish Gideon was still here. Every single breath, my heart aches for him. Every single heartbeat, I crave to have him in my arms. I still weep every single day. Just the other day, I got out Gideon clothes and held them tightly to my chest and wept on the floor of my closet. I kissed the inside of his hat because his skin touched it.  I looked at his foot prints and sobbed. I still feel a great emptiness where Gideon should be. I just miss him.

Please do not think that this child is a replacement of Gideon, because it is impossible to replace one child with another; each of our children are in our hearts. Each has their own unique place there. Whether we have living children or children in heaven,  each one of our kids is special to us in their own way.  I was told by someone that maybe I am having twins; a boy and a girl, because that would mean God would replace Gideon with a new boy, and I told this person “well, I do not believe it works that way and we know there is only one baby in there.” And tt doesn’t work like that. You cannot replace one child with another. To think that one person can replace another is just crazy.  Say, your mom died and your dad remarried, would your new step-mom be a replacement for your mother? Of course not. Or, what if you had a brother that died and your parents had a new baby and that baby was a boy?  Would your newest brother replace your other brother? No, not at all. Just know that each of our children are special to us: our first child, who was miscarried, our first born child, Gideon and this little one are all very special to us.

Its a very strange feeling to be grieving one child and hopeful about another child.

Just know how much we love this little one. Since I knew about his/her life, I was in love. The day we found out I was pregnant, my husband said “I love you, I love you too” and I was like “huh?” and he said “I was talking to you and the baby.” So sweet. Daddy loves all of his kiddos. I sing to this baby, like I did Gideon. I rub my belly. We talk about names we like. I always tell my husband, when I feel movement, “your baby is moving!!” We all wish that the older brother was here as we plan our future, but we still plan. I know that my loving this child takes nothing away from my love of Gideon. I am friends with this beautiful, Godly woman and after I told her we were expecting, she said something that was so encouraging and true. She said, “Gideon is your first child. That will never change! He loves his mommie and his mommie loves him! That will never change! Can I encourage you to never doubt your love for Gideon or even for a second, or think that your second child will ever diminish Gideon’s memory in any way. The thought of allowing yourself to fully, fully, fully embrace your second child and at the same time cherish everything about Gideon hopefully do not feel like a conflict for you.”  And what she said is so true. And it doesn’t feel like a conflict, it feels like a compliment to each other. As my love for Gideon has intensified, my love for this child grows every day. Its like, Gideon taught me how to love SO strongly, more than I can even express, because of him I am able to love this child with the same strength. This child is so special. And this child has a special plan for him or
her that God has set for them. This newest addition to our family has a purpose in this world. Just like Gideon, just like me and just like you. We love this baby so much.

I just wish we could have both this child, and Gideon with us.

So as we grieve our first born child, we are hopeful and excited about bringing this child home to raise. This child will know of his or her older brother and will carry Gideon in his/her heart, like we do. We are so thankful for this baby, for this life that God has gifted us. We are so thankful that God decided to perform another miracle and give us this child. I am thankful for this baby. Even if I only have him or her for today, I am thankful for today. I am thankful that right now, our baby is living and healthy. I am thankful that I get to love Gideon and this child. I am thankful that my husband is an amazing daddy to our children. I am thankful that I get to experience a mommy’s love. I am thankful for what I have been given when God gave us this child and thankful for what we were given when we were given Gideon.

I picture Gideon in heaven, being so excited about his new sibling, that he is in heaven cheering us on and laughing and smiling at the idea that he has a new brother or sister coming. I think he is ecstatic that he is a big brother.  I can picture him being extremely happy for our family, and I know he is awaiting the day when we can all be together in eternity. And I am waiting for that day too.

I have this verse on a picture frame that I have of Gideon and it is true for him and it is true for this newest addition to our family:
“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my
mother’s womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”  Psalm 139:13-14

It’s so cool that even at 10 weeks along I can see the baby’s arms in our ultrasound photo, and that I can even tell that the baby had his/her legs crossed! It’s so cool to think about what the baby looks like now, at 15 weeks!! The next ultrasound will be in about a week and we will get to see how much this baby has grown in 6 weeks!

And because I am a proud mommy, here is the link that takes you to the story, and the photo, of our Gideon. He is so beautiful. I miss him.

Both of our children, beautiful creations of the Lord, both fearfully and wonderfully made.

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