In the Memories of Emma Marie Rose

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Isaiah 40:11 He shall feed his flock like a shepherd: he shall gather the lambs with his arm, and carry them in his bosom, and shall gently lead those that are with young.

This verse has always been close to my heart and has held me close the last two years. I have drank deep the river of sorrow and swam in the temptuious ocean through the crashing waves of pain and fear, but as hard as I swam I struggled to cling to the promise, to the realization that the Lord was holding me, I could go know where, I could not find harm in his hands just safety and comfort. Held in his comfort and warmth, as a lay small as a child in his arms watching the storms arise around me. Even as I fought against the fear of the waves that would want to engulf me and drown me and the child I carried He held me and whispered his peace ,Peace PEace PEAce PEACe PEACE!!!!

The Birth of Blessed Grace In the Memories of Emma Marie Rose

My heart shared the confusion of, excitement and turmoiled fear when my water broke as I walked from the living room on family night. I sat down on the toilet and caught my breath wiping away tear, trying to push back the fear that was forming a lump in my throat. I was now 42 wks and a day pregnant and had been waiting and praying for this day to come, yet also fearing it. As I sat there I recalled when my water had broke less than a year ago in our bedroom and how excited we were then. I quickly wiped away the tears and call out to Jeremy My husband to come. Trying to hide the fear in my voice and encourage myself back into excitement I changed. We share with the children that the baby was coming. Our little girl exclaimed her pleasure over having a baby for family night finished our evening the usual way with a bible story and having the little ones pray, hearing there thanks to God for our little baby that was finally coming out . I was once again drawn back into myself, Oh Lord don’t let them be disappointed if not for me Lord for the children, and please Lord let us keep this child! I was brought back to reality with the nudging that it was my turn to pray, if only they knew just how hard I truly was praying on the inside. With hugs and kisses we said our goodnights and sent them off to there sweet dreams filled with anticipation and questions that filled there little thoughts brimming with joy.

With the children snuggled away we started to make our plans for the night, we called the hospital and were informed that our doctor was unavailable and the on call doctor told us,” I will not touch you with a ten foot pole “  because we were a Vaginal birth after 3 c-sections . We pleaded with him about the previous arrangements made with our doctor, that our last child was natural born at 42 wks, and of how he has been expecting our call and the reply was he is not available! Tears welled up in my eyes, how can they turn us away? In my spirit I was reminded of another mother and father in labor at Christmas time who was turned away. Oh God not again I don’t want to go here not alone I need this child; I can’t handle another plaque in the garden on stones down the way! Please don’t put me here! Jeremy held me and even though I knew he was shaking too, he spoke the Lords peace into my heart; we called a friend who had planned to come and sit with us and a group of woman who had been praying for us.

The night seemed darker than normal, and I so distant, even distant from the waves that swept through my body every wave taking back to our little bedroom were I had labored. I watched the peace that was in room, seeing myself laboring, hearing the gentle voices the singing and the praying that swept over each contraction. As knelt held in my husband arms feeling the warmth and closeness of God as we labored together that night, only to be swept back into the cold dark reality of the sweeping waves of the present . My heart prayed, “Oh lord how could something so beautiful have ended so painfully and why now do I feel so cold, afraid and alone in my thoughts? All at once I felt exhausted; the room seemed to close in around me. I told my self “I am not doing this, I can’t” I lay down on the couch; sleep engulfed the waves and the thrashing of my mind.

The next morning all was still, no more contractions, all was normal as if the night had never happened all. All but the sweet smell of amniotic fluid remained to remind me that the time was more than near.

The day passed quickly, I tried to ignore my thoughts and think on today, not yesterday. I was anxious to have a baby but gripped and crippled by the fear of that which swept our little one away.  Evening then came, and morning, I slept through the next day, still no labor. I hardly ate or drank, swept away in mourning, my thoughts taking me away, far away, to a day so similar, a cherished day, so close to my heart as I had shared with a little foot so tiny so perfect. I remember surrounding it in linens so her big sister and sweet toddler of a big brother could see too; they also had felt her life and new her as real. How I cradled and loved those sweet little toes that had caressed my memories so often those last few months, but in reality now, the sweet smell of fluid was now streaked with the signs of this new life that was anxious to come out, and to inpatient to wait for a dyper. At once I asked the lord in faith to clear the fluid and increase it, to purify it again, and protect our child that was now very palpatible all its tiny parts showing like a molded picture on my belly.

I cried out to the Lord to increase my faith and forgive my fear, take hold of my heart and cradle it from its breaking. My husband held me and cradled us in his arms speaking words of faith into my heart, yet I felt in his spirit his own heart crying out for finality peace and the end of the beginning of this birth into life of our precious little one. I slipped into sweet sleep feeling held fast in the storm cradle by the one who walks on water through the waves.

Evening once again came I rose from my bed, I was brought food from my kind friend, we spent the evening in peace singing and not afraid, believing God was bringing back the waves that would deliver my heart from it’s pain . Evening turned to night and I asked in my heart where is the deliverance? That night we lay awake praying, hoping and believing in faith that the lord was coming through for us. My sweet husband rolled off the bed to his knees cradling my belly in his arm praying over our child and speaking gentle words of peace. I felt her moving into his embrace kicking at his hands then resting in the presence of his deep gentle voice, for hours he spoke to her calling her out into my arm to taste the sweetness of life, praying over us peace, love and spoken faith. With renewed peace from the Lord he came back into the bed and basked in the pleasure of His presence until morning.  It was a new day, fresh and full of hope, fear seemed so far away, the first blessings of the day was how very round and full my belly had returned over night, and how sweet and perfectly clear the fluid now was, we praised God for the miracle and then started the day. I was full of energy I cooked, cleaned and made bread; I felt the answer was very soon. The day and evening passed with a few contractions and we went to bed in anticipation. In my deems I felt the rise and fall of the waves coming and going and awoke in full hard labor, I was excited and felt a new courage, we called our friend again who had gone home to her loved ones, and she returned quickly. She seems a little far away as the night progressed on into the wee hours of morning. I knew her thoughts also must have been sweeping over thoughts of only less than a year ago, her heart also held by the warmth and love that had been in the room, and then torn into pains.

As much as I received the contractions in my heart my mind revolted every push I prayed them through one by one. Crying out as though I was birthing my sorrows away from my heart, and away from the oh so desired one making her arrival. It the labor it seemed so hard and long and the waves of sorrow so deep. I prayed for the Lord to send his angels to ease my sorrows and deliver me and our child, all at once  a little head came into the world with a little body flying across the room after it, caught up in to the loving embrace of all those awaiting. Her gentle sweet tears filled the air and my own and all others joined hers. The most incredible words ever filled the house they sang out from my very soul the depths of my being,” SHE IS ALIVE!, SHE IS ALIVE!, SHE IS ALIVE! ”.

I don’t know how many times I said those sweet words, first from my mouth and then they sang sweetly from my heart, the child who was born in a stable on a night like this also turned away from the warmth and familiar safeties had come to us this very night too bringing life to our home birthing me free from the shame of infirmities of a barren womb, into the miracles of life this December first night. With child nestled sweetly upon my chest the memories of yesterday close to my heart, will never leave, but new hope and life has replaced the pain and birthed forth into the joys and hopes of tomorrow with the realities of a awesome God who hears and holds and love his children.

In sweet memory of a beautiful baby born into the arms of Jesus by way of a placental abruption Dec. 24th 2011

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Comments

  1. Jason Adams says:

    My heart goes out to you, and my condolences to you. My best friend and his wife lost a child due to stillbirth and I saw what it did to them. My wife and I did all that we could to be there for them and comfort them, but we still weren’t sure if what we were doing was helping. We heard about a book that we got for them as a gift called “There Was Supposed To Be a Baby” by Catherine Keating, you can check her and the book on the website http://therewassupposedtobe.com/. After they read it they said what a wonderful book and comfort it was to them. Wishing you the ability to find peace and I’m so sorry for the loss you have endured.

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