A {Still} Birthday Wish

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Told by: Maggie

The majority of parents await the day for their child’s first birthday. Planning the party, inviting guests, making or buying the cake, buying presents. And the first birthday is always the most exciting! But what about those who are celebrating and honoring the first year milestone of the loss of a child?

March 17th, 2013 was my sweet angel, Makayla’s, first birthday (and as I also call it, her “angelversary”). The days and weeks leading up to Makayla’s {still}birthday, my emotions were running wild and were on a rollercoaster. I’ve learned to allow myself to feel the emotions as they come, whether they are upbeat or more on the low side.

Last year has changed my life. I can’t say if it was for the better, or for the worst; I can’t put the loss of my daughter with those terms. I will just say that it has changed me, SHE has changed me. At my 20 week ultrasound, my husband, daughter Kaydence, and myself, found out that our sweet second baby had a fatal diagnosis, her brain did not develop and within her skull, there was fluid where her brain should have been. She was brain dead even in the womb and had a zero chance of survival outside of me. We made the decision to induce and say goodbye as it was better for OUR family. Others would have chosen to carry to term.

Don’t get confused. I did not WANT this. I did not WANT to say goodbye to my daughter at only 20 weeks. I did not WANT to change my life in that way.  I did not WANT to be faced with such a decision that NO ONE wants to make. I did what my husband and I felt was right for OUR family.

Makayla’s birthday was spent with loving and caring people, holding me up and sending prayers and thoughts too my family and I. I didn’t just lose my daughter; my oldest daughter lost her sister, my husband lost his daughter, our parents lost their grand daughter, our brothers lost their niece… the world lost a beautiful little girl who would have been a beautiful addition.

As times goes on, I want and will continue to honor Makayla. I want for Kaydence and other future children we make have to know about their sister. I want my family to speak her name, to never forget her. I want Makayla to know she will always, ALWAYS, be loved and missed and is in our hearts. I will forever carry her with me, she will forever be with us, where we go, what we do.

I will look back on her first birthday, remembering each and every emotion, remember how weak I was at some points in my grief but also how strong I was to live each and everyday.

Happy 1st Birthday Makayla Rose.  We love and miss you everyday.

You are invited to read Makayla’s birth story here.

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