Our Watchful Flicker

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Told by: Courtney

In April of 2012, my husband and I decided to start trying to conceive. In May my period never came. My doctor said this is normal and sometimes women go months without having a cycle but I knew something was wrong.

After 2 months of no period and countless negative pregnancy tests, we found out my body had quit ovulating altogether and that I had mild PCOS. Progesterone was used to get my cycle going again and we were given Clomid to assist/start ovulation.

On Tuesday, November 6, I found out I was pregnant and surprised my husband with balloons, posters around our house, and an outfit with his favorite basketball team emblem on it! We were thrilled!

I know a lot of people wait to tell family and friends until after 12 weeks but we told everyone! We could not wait! This is what everyone was praying for and it was happening! A couple weeks later we had our 8 week checkup and we saw our baby and heard that precious heartbeat.

One week to the day later I was at work and felt like my period had started. I ran to the restroom to see that I was bleeding very heavy and having extreme cramps. I knew I was miscarrying. I called my doctor who said to come straight in for an ultrasound. I got to the office and tried to control my emotion while waiting to be called back. My husband was out of town on a business trip so with my Mama and my best friend by my side we were taken in for an ultrasound.

The nurse showed us the baby on the monitor while she took measurements. I thought Baby looked bigger than last week and that gave me a moment of hope. The nurse pointed to the screen and said “this is where a flicker should be. I’m so sorry but there is no heartbeat”. The room went blurry with tears. My Mama began to weep for her daughter’s broken heart and the loss of her daughters first child. My best friend began to cry for the loss of a baby who we had already jumped up and down and hugged til it hurt over. In that short moment I had a million thoughts. I wanted my husband who was driving home from Alabama (still 4 hours away), I wanted my baby, I wanted to understand why, I wanted them to be wrong, I needed them to be wrong. I’m crying hard now. I want to sink deep into the hole, I could feel depression and wanted it. I want to lose it, go crazy, and scream.

But in the midst of every thought and emotion this still small voice pushes through and gives me a peace that I cannot describe. God was speaking into my heart who He is even in that heart breaking moment. I began speaking it out loud- “He is good, He is just, He is kind, He is right!”  Over and over the words came out.

I knew that this had not caught Him off guard and that was enough to give praise for. We are placed in an exam room and the doctor finally enters. She starts with an “I’m sorry” and then proceeds into everything that will happen next. I remember seeing her mouth moving but I cannot tell you all the options she gave me nor the words she was saying. I managed to say “whatever you think is best” in regards to her speech. She said a D&C would be the best due to my history of issue this would be best preparation for another pregnancy.

The next day I delivered our baby via D&C. I was 9 weeks and 2 days. Casey Harper was born on December 12th 2012. I know that I will see my precious first born one day and until that day I know the Father is loving on my sweet one.

We have been trying to conceive since we lost Casey but have not been successful. I am worn out with trying and go in and out of anger at everyone including God at why this happened and why I cannot get pregnant again. July 7 2013 is rapidly approaching, the day I was due to deliver. My heart is broken but I believe God has a plan for our family.


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