I Will Never Forget Her

Told by: Ember

From a young age my biological father molested me, and at the age of 10 he began raping me. I never told anyone, and hid the bruises and started cutting, developed an eating disorder and got into drugs and alcohol. Even worse, 3 years later I was late for my period and found out I was pregnant. I couldn’t tell anyone, I knew he’d kill the baby or me. So I kept it a secret.

Even after the test confirmed it I was convinced no one would believe me and they would think I was disgusting or worthless, because that’s what he told me.

I looked up online how to find out how far along you are and learned I was around 6 weeks. For the next 6 weeks I ignored it, scared to death of what would happen if I told anyone about the baby. I wore bigger clothes and hid the small bump that was forming beneath my belly button. I was so confused and scared. Then I felt her move. I know that 12 weeks is too early but I swear to God I felt her, I knew then that I loved her, I didn’t care where she came from or who the father was, she was mine. My child.

A few days later I began having cramps, mild at first, then sharp pains in my lower abdomen and I started spotting. The next day I began bleeding heavily and it got thicker with clumps and gobs of dark material. I got even worse pain in my vagina and felt horrible pressure. Then I understood what was happening, my baby was dying.

I got dark towels out and laid them on the floor of my bathroom and sat half naked, and bleeding for what seemed like a long time. I finally felt an odd pressure and something inside my vagina, I half stood with my hand up to my body and she came out. A small part of her umbilical cord was attached and she was perfect. Arms, legs and 10 fingers and toes. She was weightless to me and only a few inches long. I looked to see her gender. My baby girl. I held her and cried for what seemed like all night.

I told her I loved her and I would see her again and I wrapped her up in toilet paper, like a swaddle. And I put her in a trash can. I tried to make her comfortable and warm. I kissed her tiny head and whispered out loud that I loved her. I bled more and more stuff came out in large clumps and stringy globs, and I continued bleeding for another week or so. I’ll never forget May, 3rd of 2010. Not long after that my father wad arrested for molesting a friend of mine and I moved in with my mom. I confessed everything and have unconditional support and love now. I miss my baby girl every day.