223 Days

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In August 2012, we found that we were pregnant with our 4th child. We were shocked to find out because at the time I was on birth control. I admit, I cried a few tears. I was so scared. There was no way that I could handle 4 kids!!! My husband comforted and encouraged me, and in a few days I became excited about our new little bean. I went into my obgyn office to have the pregnancy confirmed, and set up an appointment for our first ultrasound.


October 29, the day of our ultrasound appointment arrived. My husband had taken off work to be there. We loaded our 3 girls into the car, dropped them off at grandma’s house and then headed to the doctor’s office. We made jokes and chatted excitedly as we waited for the ultrasound to begin. The tech placed the wand on my abdomen and looked around for what seemed like an eternity. She looked at my paper work and asked if I was sure of the date of my last period. Of course I was, I’d taken my birth control perfectly. She suggested it was too early to see anything on her older equipment, and the doctor referred us out to a specialist. We had our first higher level ultrasound later that day that confirmed 2 yolk sacs, 2 fetal poles, but no heartbeats measuring 7 weeks. We went back for our follow up ultrasound, and on 11/12/2012, our 6th wedding anniversary we got the news. There was no growth and no heartbeat. I had a D&C on 11/13/2012.
Our story doesn’t end there. After our missed miscarriage, I was hurt, but I found comfort in knowing this was God’s plan. I was hopeful that he would bless us with another baby in the future, so I started praying. On March 13, 2013, we had our pregnancy confirmed at my obgyn’s office. This time there were no tears. I was over the moon!!! I had prayed, and God had answered. We were having our rainbow baby. His EDD was 11/13/2013, a year to the date of our D&C. This had to be God’s plan.


Because of our previous loss, my doctor had us come in every 2 weeks to check on the baby’s growth. Everything looked perfect. My husband and I were too excited to wait until the anatomy scan, so we went for an elective scan. We found out that day that we were having a boy. Our first boy after 3 little girls. This was just perfect!!


My pregnancy progressed normally throughout the next few months. We were all so excited. We started buying cute little boy clothes and cloth diapers. Our 3 girls (ages 2,4,6) couldn’t wait to meet their little brother, and neither could I.  I felt great….life was great!!


On September 17, everything changed. My youngest daughter woke me up early as usual and we lay in my bed watching cartoons. Usually our little man was kicking like crazy, but that morning I felt nothing. I poked and prodded, but figured he was having a lazy day. I went about the rest of morning, homeschooled the girls and made lunch. Usually the baby would kick when I say down for lunch, but nothing. I started to get worried. I drink some juice and tried laying on my side. Nothing. I tried to find his heart beat with the Doppler, nothing. I called the doctor’s office and they told me to head to labor and delivery to get monitored. I cooked dinner, waited for my husband to get home to stay with the girls and headed to the hospital.


After getting me hooked up to the monitors and an ultrasound, it was confirmed that our little one no longer had a heartbeat. I couldn’t believe that this had happened. I mean this boy was our rainbow. I had prayed for him. On September 18 at 1:18 pm Anthony DeWayne Lilly Jr was born silent at 32 weeks. He weighed 4 lbs 8 oz and measured 18 1/2 inches long. He was completely perfect from head to toe.

It’s been 34 days since I delivered my angel Aj.
34 days ago, I wasn’t sure how we were going to go on with our lives without our son. How were we going to tell our girls? What about the dreams we had for AJ’s future? But our God is awesome!! His strength has sustained us, brought us closer to him. My testimony has just begun. I have hope that the past is not the prediction for the future, and that sorrow is not what is promises for the rest of our lives. God’s promises are real and true, and I know that his blessings will continue to fall on our family. I have felt God’s presence even more since we lost Aj, and I’m not ashamed to say that all my strength has come from him. He has given me hope and peace. God is good!

I will praise you forever for what you have done; in your name I will hope, for your name is good.

I will praise you in the presence of your saints. Psalm 52:9

223 days….the number of days my little man grew in my tummy. A life so short has made such an impact on me. I am forever changed! I’ve been broken into a million pieces, but God continues to glue those pieces back together, cementing them with his strength and love. I am a work in progress…..and Aj dear son, you have helped mommy grow in ways I never imagined. I know that God told you “well done” when he welcomed you home.

I thank God for you.

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  1. Grace Heisman says:

    You are a beautiful child of God and He is so very proud of you for your faithfulness. Praying for you Moma.

  2. Hi there. My son, Carson and your AJ must be best friends up there because they had the same due date and the same heavenly birthday. I have this beautiful image of them walking up to the entrance if heaven, looking at each other, and becoming fast friends. It’s now been almost four months since we said goodbye to our little ones, but I have the same feelings you do. I know I’ve been taught amazing things about myself through my angel and I know he’s in a better place than he would have ever been down here. I don’t know you but will think of you often, because to know we shared almost the same journey of time links me to you as it does our son’s. If you ever want to talk, please feel free to email me. breannekilmer@gmail.com


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