Searching for Wholeness

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Told by: Nicole

On September 9th, 2012 my life as I knew it changed forever. It was the day I lost a piece of me. The day I lost my beloved baby boy at 18 weeks gestation in what I had never heard if before, but was told was a “missed miscarriage.”

We went to our doctor for our regular 18 weeks checkup. We were so excited to hear that heartbeat we had heard before. We brought our 11 month old son with us this time so we could share this with him too.  The doctor was having a hard time. Harder than the last time we were there.

We were sent for an ultrasound right away. I saw my baby on that screen. My baby’s heart was not beating. I had lost our baby… They tell me it happened about 2 weeks ago. How did I not know? The baby I talked to and loved every day from the moment I knew if their existence was no longer living and I had no idea? What kind of mother was I? How could I lose our baby? They tell me because I’m not 20 weeks gestation, I can’t deliver him. They tell me I have to have surgery to have him delivered and afterwards I’m not allowed to hold him. They tell me when this operation is over I can begin to heal. How can they tell me I can’t hold my baby, but had this happened 2 weeks later I would have had that option? What kind of monsters don’t let a mother hold her baby?

I have the D&C. My baby is gone. I am no longer carrying my baby. I am an empty shell. Days later something is wrong. They tell me the D&C they did wasn’t successful and I need to undergo another it have more of my baby’s former home removed. I am never going to get to move on from this.

I walk through the hospital where my lost baby’s body is being poked at somewhere over and over because get couldn’t do it right the first time as I wait to have to do it all over again. It is now 1 year and a bit later. My baby boy would be almost turning 1 (had it not gone wrong). We have since had our rainbow baby. She was born in August. My children are my life. My children are my being.

I just can’t seem to understand how I get over this? How do I explain I am a mother of 3, 1 that is no longer with me? How do I get myself to the point where I’m not so angry at myself? How do I make myself feel whole again? How do I make myself feel like I did before this? I don’t want to feel so empty. I will never forget my baby. I think of him every minute of the day. I just need to know how to become at peace with all of this.

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