Benchwarming Motherhood

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Sometimes motherhood isn’t heartwarming.

Like when my baby died.

And the doctor called him “debris” – as in, “We need to get that debris out of there.”


It isn’t heartwarming.

Especially when the death of my baby has been, is, and always will be a wound in my heart.

Even small disappointments that otherwise might seem easy to miss, when they touch this particular wound, can grow in exponential disappointment and pain.


This weekend is the world premiere of Return to Zero.  This countdown has been a long time coming, something we at stillbirthday have been watching with anticipation for a year!  Many, many of us are anticipating the closing captions, where your babies names will be written (in alphabetical order) right into the movie!

But, some of us will have to work on Saturday night.

Or, some of us don’t have cable.

Some of us don’t have anyone we can relate to about the importance of watching the movie, and so in frustration or shame or loneliness are not telling others that we’d really like to see it.

One less rejection, right?

But staying alone, sitting on the sidelines,

benchwarming motherhood,

it hurts.


I believe that the movie Return to Zero has something substantial to speak to others not impacted by pregnancy and infant loss, and will serve as a valuable platform for us to bridge the chasm and bring awareness to so much needed support.

But I also know that many of us will be sitting out this weekend.

And I don’t want you to feel alone.

It is important for as many of us as possible to rise up to watch the movie, to spread the word, to shout this victory.  Because nothing compares to having our own living children, but any voice to echo our tears from the chasm means the chance for someone to hear, someone to hear our hearts.

But it’s important for those who can’t participate, who can’t show up, who aren’t in a place yet where this is possible, to know that we who are in this chasm still see you, too.

We’re all, in this together.

Even as we might be benchwarming motherhood.

If you have felt as though you’ve been somehow benchwarming motherhood, you are invited to be heard.  You are heard.

If you can’t attend a screening of Return to Zero this weekend but wish very much that you could, please leave a comment below, and two names will be chosen to receive your very own DVD copy of Return to Zero, anticipated to be released in June.

You can’t watch the movie this weekend – but you can own it.

Benchwarming can be heartwarming, too, when we can still feel a sense of connection, of being heard.

Sending y’all lots of love and peace through this weekend,

The founder of stillbirthday,

but more than anything, a mother,

sometimes, a benchwarming mother,

Heidi Faith


Two random names will be drawn and announced on our facebook page on Saturday May 17 at 5pm, so “like” the page to be sure you see the announcement.

**Update: it is May 17 and the movie is about to begin.  This giveaway is staying open until Sunday May 18, as Sean Hanish, the producer himself, is giving away a DVD to the stillbirthday community.  This will make 3 DVDs given away in honor of the Lifetime world premiere of Return to Zero.**

***NAMES: Cori Bolger (12), Ursila M.(13), Carolyn (41), your names were randomly chosen.  Please visit the stillbirthday facebook page to send in a private message, or email to connect with your mailing address to receive your free DVD copy of Return to Zero.***

You can also click here to purchase your DVD copy of Return to Zero.

In the summer of 2013 Return to Zero extended a special offer to stillbirthday to have our babies’ names listed in the closing credits in a special place at the close of the film.  If you were part of that opportunity, you can return to our 2013 posting on that to see the babies names from our community who are written into the special closing credits of Return to Zero.



Mothering Our Mourning means giving ourselves the discipline we need to construct our expressions in healthy and healing ways, but also that we give ourselves permission that we do release, express, and share.

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  1. Lori Hudson says:

    I would love to enter to win a copy! I don’t have the lifetime channel, and my beautiful angel was born sleeping on April 23, 2013 @ 25 weeks. Thank you for the chance.

  2. Staci Luker says:

    Ohhhhh I would LOVE a copy!!!

  3. Alex Kruthaupt says:

    Entering to win! Would love to have my very own copy as I may not be able to catch the premiere this weekend! My angel was born sleeping at 38 weeks 3 days on 11/21/2013. We miss him dearly!

  4. I would love to win a copy! I don’t have broadcast tv and I’m working on starting a support group in our town, so I think it would be lovely to be able show the movie and raise awareness.

  5. Patti LeBlanc says:

    18 years ago, our 4th son was born still at full term. I was so certain everyone had just made a mistake. As a nurse, I had every explanation imaginable. However, that was not the case. The loss is still as fresh as it was 18 years ago and more so as his next older brother was just tragically taken from us March 24, 2104. This movie tells the story that many of us cannot. It will shed light for the rest of those who never understood our pain. Bravo to those who made this and shared a story no one has told in such a way for the whole world to experience. Ours is such a silent loss and now we have a voice.
    I would love the opportunity to win a DVD of this movie as I have lived the pain.

  6. Jill Sakowski says:

    My son was born still on 2-17-14. His name is Orion. We don’t have cable and are moving on the 17th anyway…on the 3 month anniversary of his birth/death. Going to be a heck of a difficult day, but I would love to win a copy! <3

  7. I don’t have cable, and I would love to see the movie.

  8. Cindy Sexton says:

    I have to work as usual :/

  9. I would love a copy! I have many friends that have experienced a similar loss as I have, but many that have not. It would be a great movie for them to watch to understand the heartbreak.

  10. <3

  11. Tiffany Meador says:

    I would love to have a copy of this movie! We lost our daughter Lillian Faith Meador at nearly 39 weeks pregnant. I am more than excited about this lifetime premier! I am a huge fan of lifetime and I am so glad this is finally a place they are going to. Such deep roots for many.

  12. Cori Bolger says:

    I would love to win a copy of Return to Zero. I am a nurse and birth doula working in the overseas American military community in Germany. As far as I know, this movie is not playing here, and we do not have access to Lifetime channel on TV. This would be a great way to loan the movie out for people to become educated about this very important issue that does have an impact on our community here. Thank you! Cori Bolger, RN, BSN, CD(DONA), CLC, LCCE

  13. Ursila M. says:

    I am a surrogate mother and at 39 weeks 2 days on February 15, 2012, I delivered a stillborn baby girl. Her mama flew all the way from Japan the day before to wait for me to go into labor. My heart hurts for this sweet family who wanted a child so badly and they got *so* close and then she was taken away. I was a part of the Return to Zero campaign and I earned a t-shirt for spreading the news. I do not have cable so I will be unable to watch RTZ on May 17th, so I really hope to win this contest :-).

  14. Nikki Kemery says:

    This would be magnificent! Here’s hoping 🙂

  15. Nerissa Tiffany says:

    I’d love to win a copy of the DVD. No cable, no satellite. Pick me, please! In honor of my son, Holden.

  16. Maggie Kuttner says:

    I would love to win a copy. I do have cable but we just lost my grandfather on Monday and I am spending as much time with family as possible after the funeral.

  17. Casandra Wilkins says:

    I have a loss mom support group called “still standing”. I would love to win a copy of this for those moms.

  18. Angela Grimes says:

    I don’t have cable and also have a prior commitment, so I won’t get a chance to see it Saturday. I’d love to win a copy!

  19. Maria Johansen says:

    I am looking forward to seeing this movie. So excited that it will be available on DVD. As I am a Netflix only no cable family. I think this movie will be a great asset to doulas and other birth workers when dealing with loss. Thank you for this giveaway opportunity.

  20. Ann Ammons says:

    I would love to win a copy of the dvd. I lost my granddaughter, Lillian Faith. My daughter was 39 weeks when she delivered her still born. It was a terrible loss for my daughter and the entire family.

  21. Tiffany Wogsland says:

    I would love a copy to have and to watch over and over. But I’d love it even more so to share with a friend who recently lost her daughter.

  22. Christine Mau says:

    Bless my sweet angel, Sasha Elizabeth, born Jan 19, 2014, at 22 weeks. We miss her so much!!! Thank you for this movie and putting awareness out there.

  23. Kacy Losey says:

    Our daughter Olivia Grace was born sleeping on 1/30/06 @ 41 weeks. I would love the DVD

  24. Megan King says:

    Thanks for giving, this and always. Would like to own (see) Return to Zero. I would be happy to share it after I see it.

  25. Scarlett says:

    I would love to win a copy! I don’t have cable or satellite. But am sooooo excited to see this movie. I have been telling people about it for a year.

  26. I would love to win a copy – to giveaway to someone less fortunate – in memory of my tiny angel baby, Noah Joel.

    Thank you for this opportunity.

  27. I would LOVE to win a copy. Thank you, my beautiful friend.

  28. I would love to win a copy! I won’t be able to see it because I don’t have cable. Thanks so much for the chance to win!

  29. Erica Rockwell says:

    I would love to win a copy. I plan o watching Saturday with a group of women , but would love to have it for my
    new support group. Thanks for the chance !

  30. Mary Young says:

    Would love to have a copy!!!

  31. I’d love to win a copy of this in memory of my son!

  32. Shannon Sasseville says:

    It would be awesome to win this. I have so many friends I would love to share it with as well

  33. I would love to win a copy of this. Very excited for this movie to SHATTER THE SILENCE!!

  34. Rachel Brown says:

    I am a pledge leader for rtz and I wanted so bad to set a showing and get a copy of the movie to show using our church. I wasn’t able to so I would love to see it and have it and help to get people to the momcenter to see it in June.

  35. Stacie Roby says:

    I would love to win a copy. I do not have cable, and am disappointed I could not find a way to watch the premiere on Lifetime. Thanks for the chance to win the DVD.

  36. Heather Bell says:

    I would love to win a copy!! <3

  37. Allison says:

    I would love to win! Thanks!

    • Angel George says:

      I would lOve to win a copy. I do not have cable and was not able to make it to any premieres. I am so grateful to know about such a supportive community that has helped so many families. I lost my first child, a son 3-28-13 delivering him the day after my birthday and having an earlier loss 11-2013. I didn’t think I could make it through but found strength in stories from so many other families similar to mine. Thank you. I am expecting our rainbow baby 9-2014. Would love to have this movie as it shows love through such loss.

  38. Nicole Oldfather says:

    I would love to win. I want to see the movie, but do not have cable or satellite.

  39. I would love to win. Thank you.

  40. Thank you for the opportunity to win a copy. I am a therapist and would love to show this in my grief and loss groups. Many thanks!

  41. On the other side of the world without cable, with. A strict budget – would live to win a copy so that I can share the film with other mothers from Luminous Light and with friends and family who would like to understand… They were all so unquestioningly supportive when I was trying to be an ambassador for the film, I would love for them to actually see it.

  42. I would love to win a copy. We miss our daughter Eliana every day.

  43. Christine says:

    Thanks you for the opportunity to own this movie.

  44. Stephanie says:

    I have had the wonder of two little ones leave me before a normal time one born at 11 weeks and the other at 12 weeks. I would love a chance to own this move. I have several friends who opened up to me about their losses as I was open with mine. I would love to have for my doula clients.

  45. Nneka Hall says:

    I don’t know if I will watch it as it hits way too close to home. I am, however, asking all non PAIL relatives and friends to watch. Perhaps then they’ll understand my grief.

  46. Tienne Wilkin says:

    I don’t have cable, but wanted to have a viewing party. If I win, I would be able to share it with other hurting moms. And those who might not understand our grief may be able to feel it for a moment.

  47. Mary Peters says:

    Thinking of my Angels Brian Michael 1-2-2008 & John Joseph Junior 8-12-2012 <3 Would love to win a copy of the DVD!

  48. Tracy Maschke says:

    I would love to win a copy, to be able to share with friends/family – a lot can’t get the channel here and this would make it easier to do a community viewing 🙂

  49. Tiffany says:

    If love to win this and share with my friends a a family and break the silence in memory of my son.

  50. I would love a copy! I dont have cable- and would love to have it on hand to share with others who may find it therapeutic

  51. I would love a copy. I do not have cable at all. My son died almost 7 yrs ago on May 26th, 2007. I miss you everyday Jayson.

  52. Kelly Robson says:

    We don’t have lifetime. My son dances in heaven patiently awaiting his mommy and daddy <3 Jaxon <3

  53. I would LOVE a copy for my Lending and Loving Library at Precious Angels Society! The Angel family’s would be able to check it out for a week so everyone can watch! <3 <3

  54. Kim Simmons says:

    I would love to win a copy because I live in Australia and we haven’t even got a date as to when return to zero will be aired 🙁 please please please

  55. Erika Tellez says:

    I would love to have this DVD in loving memory of Timothy Gabriel Tellez 10-1-13 I love my baby more than words can express. He will always live in my heart.

  56. Ashley Kirby says:

    I would love to win a copy of this DVD. We do not have cable so we will be missing out.

  57. Caroline Nelson says:

    I do not have cable either and hate to miss out on the opportunity to see such a touching film. My daughter was stillborn one year ago on May 18, 2013. Not a day goes by that I don’t miss her or think of her. Perhaps if my friends and her father could watch the movie they would be more understanding.


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