A Letter to My Daughters

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Mila Isabella & Lila Elizabeth. That day keeps replaying over and over again in my head. May the 16th, 2014. The way everybody looked at me with complete remorse, the piercing sound of silence, and the feeling of complete emptiness that took over every inch of my body. I remember the way my legs collapsed beneath me and how I felt my heart sink into the pit of my stomach and the nurse handed me the lifeless bodies of my twin daughters.

The way she said “congratulations” made me feel physically ill. That word might have meant something to me if what was supposed to be the happiest day of my life hadn’t suddenly become the hardest to bear.

I felt as if the fact my daughters were never going to wake up, no matter how much I cried had completely passed her by. I felt like my grief was being somewhat trivialised. I have never felt more alone than the day I held you both in my arms and left the hospital with only unbearable pain, instead of my children. The weight of empty arms are the heaviest I have ever known. The only person I needed by my side that day was your father, but he wasn’t. I needed him then and I need him now. I regret not seeing that he loves you in his own way and for forgetting that he also lost his daughters. I regret pushing him away. I realise just how much I need him now that we are erased from each other’s lives. You, my angels will always remind me of how we so badly treated one another, I lost him that day. Time has given that pain too.

I cannot decide which is worse; the shock of what happened or the ache of what never will. I will always wonder what would have been and I will never stop missing you. There is a gap you two left which nothing will ever fill. I have cried every day since you were born and I don’t think I will ever stop. I am not the same person I once was. Child loss has changed me.

The hardest thing I have ever had to hear is that you are gone, the hardest thing I have ever had to do is live every day since then.

I love you eternally,

Mummy xxx

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