These Two Are Constant

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Told by: Sara

At twenty weeks my husband and I took our two oldest to the ultrasound to find out if they were going to have a baby brother or baby sister.

Well to our surprise and joy it was twins a boy an a girl. We were so happy they set up an appointment with a parineonatologist but didn’t say we needed to be any more concerned as I am high risk but everything was playas far as they could tell/see. My next appointment the world ended for me. I had decided I would go alone and for some reason I left my phone in the car too. After the ultrasound they had me go to one room then another and then I was lead to the doctors office.

The good news baby a (boy) is fine nice size healthy but baby b (girl) was VERY small, had bowing I her long bones and fluid was showing on her brain. The most concerning was the small stature and the bowing of her long bones. They were confidant with a diagnosis of a form of dwarfism. What kind they were not 100% sure of but they beloved it to be fatal. My heart sank I felt like I was falling and endless fall and no one was there to catch me it even make me breath. My next questions are how do we find out for sure or at least narrow it down there were some blood tests but more than likely to get the answers we NEED we needed to do a amniocentesis.

I said okay lets do it now then so we’re not waiting around. So after the nurses, the technicians, the doctor and the genetic counselor tried to get me to wait till my husband could be with me I said no we are not letting a day go by that we could be doing something. Afterwords getting home I remember my oldest was still a school my youngest was sleeping the sitter left I remember her looking at me like she wanted to ask if I was okay but knowing I wasn’t. I sat alone not knowing what to do and my husband walks in the door his smile went away almost as fast as my tears welled up in my eyes.

I showed him the ultrasound pictures from that day and went over the details I the visit and we cried together. I remember us deciding not to tell anyone but my supervisor at work. Mostly because I was going to be seeing the doctor a lot more and we didn’t really know what was going to happen and or when. We just knew that we needed to pray.

That was the only thing I was capable of at times.

As doctor appointments came and went our little bundles of joy were there kicking moving hearts were beating. Our little girl stopped growing at one point (about 26 weeks) and we were given the opportunity to intervene but if we did both would have to be born they couldn’t just take her. This out our baby boy at extreme risks of prematurity as well. And there was no guarantee that baby girl would even take a breath. But if she did she would be in pain and so would baby boy. This was something I could not do to either of my precious babies. To put them in pain on purpose just so I could have the opportunity to hold her seemed too selfish.

More doctor appointments came and went and her heart beat was still there she was tiny but hanging in there. Then she stopped making amniotic fluid. Not good but we are so close to 32 weeks where we would intervene.

But she was hanging in there still 30 week mark came and she is still with us!!

Joy sheer joy I am going to meet our little girl. Time to have shots to have lungs develop etc. we went into over drive getting things we put off because we were too afraid to. The appointment came to have my first shot 31 weeks and one day. The started that appointment with an ultrasound and always did baby boy first so it was no different until the tech had to go get my doctor right then and there. He had come in and the tech went up on the upper left side of my tummy where baby girl liked to hang out and there was no heart beat.

Tears lots of tears.

The silver lining was that baby boy was not being affected and he was still on track looking good and healthy. I now had more doctor appointments. Explaining to our boys that only one baby was going to come home with us. Explaining that to family and friends. Two things were constant in my life at that point lots of tears and lots of prayers and those thing remained as constants. On May 14 2014 my babies were born my boy came in screaming making his precious life be known. While my baby girl was silent. I could have heard a pin drop in the OR room.

It has only been these weeks but I believe my baby girl had a purpose in her short time with us. She helped us turn to God when things get tough. We were able to find community within our church that we had just started going to in November.

The tears and prayer have remained constant in our lives and even though I would have loved to hold my baby girl take her home and out her in pretty pink dresses. I have my wonderful husband, my fantastic boys now 3 of them, a wonderful relationship with my church family. And I was able to say I am worthy of being a child of God.

And without my baby girl I would not have the last two things in my life at this point. She is already out to rest and her memorial service is coming up and I plan on honoring her little life as much as I can. By being the best mom to my boys, the best wife to my husband and the best daughter of God that I can be.

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