{"id":12155,"date":"2013-01-10T16:40:30","date_gmt":"2013-01-10T16:40:30","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.stillbirthday.com\/?p=12155"},"modified":"2013-01-10T16:40:30","modified_gmt":"2013-01-10T16:40:30","slug":"baby-gemini","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/stillbirthday.com\/2013\/01\/baby-gemini\/","title":{"rendered":"Baby Gemini"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><em>Told by: Lia<\/em><\/p>\n<p>The pregnancy was a surprise. It was my fifth. I\u2019d carried three babies to term, and lost one around 6 weeks.<\/p>\n<p>Almost as soon as I knew I was pregnant, I started suspecting twins. At first I brushed it off as a passing thought that most pregnant women entertain at some point.\u00a0 But the feeling got stronger and I started to really wonder.\u00a0 I was just a few weeks along, but I felt <em>more pregnant<\/em> than I had early in my other pregnancies<em>.\u00a0 <\/em>On a Friday, as I wrote in my journal about the feeling, it became clear I was in new territory.\u00a0 Still hesitant to talk about it, I cautiously asked my husband if he thought it might be twins.\u00a0 A man who values logic, I expected him to counter with a question, \u201cwhy do you think that?\u201d\u00a0 But he surprised me by answering, \u201cI think it is.\u201d\u00a0 Neither of us could explain it.\u00a0 I became more sure by the hour, and anxiously awaited Monday morning so I could call my midwives and request an ultrasound to confirm.<\/p>\n<p>I was nervous, of course, but felt sure we would rise to the challenge of having twin babies.\u00a0 I started to identify as a mom of twins.\u00a0 I believe our children choose us, and it felt really special to have been chosen by two!\u00a0 I started thinking about the extra carseat we\u2019d need and how we\u2019d need a co-sleeper to fit both of them in bed with us. I worried about the added challenges of twin births.<\/p>\n<p>Part of me still wondered if it was all in our heads and I was relieved when the midwives agreed to schedule an ultrasound right away.\u00a0 The night before the appointment I had some significant cramping, but overwhelmed by a sense that everything was okay, I didn\u2019t get concerned.<\/p>\n<p>When first I saw the two tiny figures on the ultrasound, all I felt was relief.\u00a0 It didn\u2019t seem to matter that only one had a heartbeat. At least we knew we weren\u2019t crazy.\u00a0 At least we still had a healthy baby.\u00a0 I sent a text message to a few family members and close friends who were waiting to hear the ultrasound results.\u00a0 The first response I received read, \u201cI\u2019m so sorry,\u201d which shocked me a little. It hadn\u2019t fully hit me that we\u2019d lost a baby.<\/p>\n<p>I woke that night in a cold sweat and broke down crying so hard my husband woke in a panic, \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong?\u201d I couldn\u2019t find the words.\u00a0 \u201cI didn\u2019t expect to get so emotional,\u201d was all I could manage to squeak out between sobs.\u00a0 It was the only time I really cried about it.\u00a0 The mourning was so different from the miscarriage I\u2019d experienced three years before.\u00a0 I was still pregnant. I still got to have a baby.\u00a0 My body didn\u2019t even seem to realize the loss.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t notice any more cramping.\u00a0 I never bled.<\/p>\n<p>I continued to feel <em>more pregnant<\/em> for nearly a month.\u00a0 It was confusing.\u00a0 I entertained the notion that they\u2019d made a mistake \u2013 maybe they just missed the heartbeat and both babies were still okay.\u00a0 But finally, that twin feeling started to melt away.\u00a0 A follow-up ultrasound confirmed that the twin had been absorbed into my body and our daughter (it was too early to tell at that point, but I knew she was a girl) was healthy and growing.<\/p>\n<p>I was jealous when other members of my due date club announced they were having twins; and a mix of relief and sadness later when they had premature babies or struggles breastfeeding.\u00a0 I have a special little place carved out in my heart now, not only for the little soul that briefly shared my body, but for all twins.<\/p>\n<p>Concerns about my daughter\u2019s birth followed me through the pregnancy and though I\u2019d only ever given birth unassisted in the past, I made plans to deliver her in the hospital.<\/p>\n<p>I had several dreams of twins.\u00a0 Once they were tiny premies, once one died, once the girl was healthy and the boy lacked vital organs and required me to donate my uterus to save him.<\/p>\n<p>On June 19, 2012 my daughter Zena was born in an uncomplicated waterbirth in the hospital.\u00a0 She\u2019s a Gemini; a twin without a twin. Though I knew it was unlikely with a loss that early, I\u2019d hoped there might be some sign of her sibling left behind with the afterbirth; there was none. I kept the placenta to encapsulate, and dried the umbilical cord in the shape of two hearts (pictured below,) the smaller one representing the baby we lost.<\/p>\n<p>I braced myself for a second wave of grief to hit me after the birth, unsure if my arms would ache for that second baby.\u00a0 But they didn\u2019t.\u00a0 I felt full and at peace.<\/p>\n<p>When I first felt that twin feeling, I imagined twin girls, but now, as I hold Zena in my arms, I feel certain he was a little boy.\u00a0 I can sense him.\u00a0 The dream about the sick baby with missing organs stays with me and I feel certain that was him.\u00a0 His body wasn\u2019t developing as it should and that\u2019s why he didn\u2019t survive.<\/p>\n<p>The pregnancy had been hard. I was sick all the time and I swore I never wanted to go through that again.\u00a0 I don\u2019t want to.\u00a0 My husband and I are done having kids.\u00a0 But I\u2019m not so sure if the kids are done choosing us.\u00a0 I feel this little boy might still enter our lives someday.<\/p>\n<p>My daughter looks at me like she knows all of this and more \u2013 as if she remembers having a twin but has some divine knowledge about his current whereabouts that keeps her from missing him.\u00a0 And when she\u2019s looking across an empty room babbling on, I can almost see him there talking back.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/stillbirthday.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/01\/hearts.jpg\"><img fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-12156\" title=\"hearts\" src=\"https:\/\/stillbirthday.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/01\/hearts.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"351\" srcset=\"https:\/\/stillbirthday.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/01\/hearts.jpg 498w, https:\/\/stillbirthday.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/01\/hearts-300x211.jpg 300w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 498px) 100vw, 498px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n\n\n<div class=\"kk-star-ratings kksr-auto kksr-align-left kksr-valign-bottom\"\n    data-payload='{&quot;align&quot;:&quot;left&quot;,&quot;id&quot;:&quot;12155&quot;,&quot;slug&quot;:&quot;default&quot;,&quot;valign&quot;:&quot;bottom&quot;,&quot;ignore&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;reference&quot;:&quot;auto&quot;,&quot;class&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;count&quot;:&quot;1&quot;,&quot;legendonly&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;readonly&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;score&quot;:&quot;5&quot;,&quot;starsonly&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;best&quot;:&quot;5&quot;,&quot;gap&quot;:&quot;5&quot;,&quot;greet&quot;:&quot;Rate this post&quot;,&quot;legend&quot;:&quot;5\\\/5 - (1 vote)&quot;,&quot;size&quot;:&quot;24&quot;,&quot;title&quot;:&quot;Baby Gemini&quot;,&quot;width&quot;:&quot;142.5&quot;,&quot;_legend&quot;:&quot;{score}\\\/{best} - ({count} {votes})&quot;,&quot;font_factor&quot;:&quot;1.25&quot;}'>\n            \n<div class=\"kksr-stars\">\n    \n<div class=\"kksr-stars-inactive\">\n            <div class=\"kksr-star\" data-star=\"1\" style=\"padding-right: 5px\">\n            \n\n<div class=\"kksr-icon\" style=\"width: 24px; height: 24px;\"><\/div>\n        <\/div>\n            <div class=\"kksr-star\" data-star=\"2\" style=\"padding-right: 5px\">\n            \n\n<div class=\"kksr-icon\" style=\"width: 24px; height: 24px;\"><\/div>\n        <\/div>\n            <div class=\"kksr-star\" data-star=\"3\" style=\"padding-right: 5px\">\n            \n\n<div class=\"kksr-icon\" style=\"width: 24px; height: 24px;\"><\/div>\n        <\/div>\n            <div class=\"kksr-star\" data-star=\"4\" style=\"padding-right: 5px\">\n            \n\n<div class=\"kksr-icon\" style=\"width: 24px; height: 24px;\"><\/div>\n        <\/div>\n            <div class=\"kksr-star\" data-star=\"5\" style=\"padding-right: 5px\">\n            \n\n<div class=\"kksr-icon\" style=\"width: 24px; height: 24px;\"><\/div>\n        <\/div>\n    <\/div>\n    \n<div class=\"kksr-stars-active\" style=\"width: 142.5px;\">\n            <div class=\"kksr-star\" style=\"padding-right: 5px\">\n            \n\n<div class=\"kksr-icon\" style=\"width: 24px; height: 24px;\"><\/div>\n        <\/div>\n            <div class=\"kksr-star\" style=\"padding-right: 5px\">\n            \n\n<div class=\"kksr-icon\" style=\"width: 24px; height: 24px;\"><\/div>\n        <\/div>\n            <div class=\"kksr-star\" style=\"padding-right: 5px\">\n            \n\n<div class=\"kksr-icon\" style=\"width: 24px; height: 24px;\"><\/div>\n        <\/div>\n            <div class=\"kksr-star\" style=\"padding-right: 5px\">\n            \n\n<div class=\"kksr-icon\" style=\"width: 24px; height: 24px;\"><\/div>\n        <\/div>\n            <div class=\"kksr-star\" style=\"padding-right: 5px\">\n            \n\n<div class=\"kksr-icon\" style=\"width: 24px; height: 24px;\"><\/div>\n        <\/div>\n    <\/div>\n<\/div>\n                \n\n<div class=\"kksr-legend\" style=\"font-size: 19.2px;\">\n            5\/5 - (1 vote)    <\/div>\n    <\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Told by: Lia The pregnancy was a surprise. It was my fifth. I\u2019d carried three babies to term, and lost one around 6 weeks. Almost as soon as I knew I was pregnant, I started suspecting twins. At first I brushed it off as a passing thought that most pregnant women entertain at some point.\u00a0 [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[42],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-12155","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-all-multiples"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/stillbirthday.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12155","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/stillbirthday.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/stillbirthday.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stillbirthday.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stillbirthday.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=12155"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/stillbirthday.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12155\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/stillbirthday.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=12155"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stillbirthday.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=12155"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stillbirthday.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=12155"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}