{"id":12962,"date":"2013-02-16T12:51:24","date_gmt":"2013-02-16T12:51:24","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.stillbirthday.com\/?p=12962"},"modified":"2013-11-08T17:22:39","modified_gmt":"2013-11-08T17:22:39","slug":"the-beginning","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/stillbirthday.com\/2013\/02\/the-beginning\/","title":{"rendered":"The Beginning"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>This is the beginning of this new place at stillbirthday, called <a title=\"Mothering the Mourning\" href=\"https:\/\/stillbirthday.com\/category\/mothering-mourning\/\" target=\"_blank\"><em>Mothering\u00a0Our Mourning<\/em><\/a>.<\/p>\n<p><a title=\"Mothering the Mourning\" href=\"https:\/\/stillbirthday.com\/category\/mothering-mourning\/\" target=\"_blank\"><em>Mothering\u00a0Our Mourning<\/em><\/a>\u00a0is a place of short revelations I feel I’m given on my journey.\u00a0 It’s a place where I pause, to note the messages of healing spoken to my heart.<\/p>\n<p>While our <a title=\"Ripples - share yours!\" href=\"https:\/\/stillbirthday.com\/ripples\/\" target=\"_blank\">Ripples<\/a> program allows you to identify the ways in which your child(ren)s lives can still create a positive impact, this, <a title=\"Mothering the Mourning\" href=\"https:\/\/stillbirthday.com\/category\/mothering-mourning\/\" target=\"_blank\"><em>Mothering\u00a0Our Mourning<\/em><\/a><em>,<\/em> serves to be potentially, deeply challenging, as it is a place where the focus\u00a0is\u00a0not on the legacy of my<em> child<\/em>, per se, but is on the <em>connection<\/em> I have with him – my grief.\u00a0 It is a\u00a0collection of observations I make as I daily nurture and daily discipline my mourning, for my healthiest grief.<\/p>\n<p>I believe my mourning needs my mothering.\u00a0 It is not only an entity that needs nurturing – that is, validation, respect, and care, but it is also an entity that needs discipline – that is, structure, wise counsel upon and constructive speaking to.<\/p>\n<p>Like a child, my mourning can throw tantrums –\u00a0<em>ha!<\/em>\u00a0 It really can!<\/p>\n<p>But, my mourning, in its mysterious similarities to a child, can make me take pause, make me see its wonder, and, can even make me smile.<\/p>\n<p><a title=\"Mothering the Mourning\" href=\"https:\/\/stillbirthday.com\/category\/mothering-mourning\/\" target=\"_blank\"><em>Mothering\u00a0Our Mourning<\/em><\/a>\u00a0holds a radical and revolutionary truth that grief should not be silenced, the love for our children should not be closed up, we should not disengage from our relationship with our children at their physical death\u00a0and we should not detach from our own reality of love.\u00a0 While grief is the collection of feelings we have, mourning is the outward expression of these feelings.\u00a0 Not all bereaved parents embrace both.\u00a0 I have grief, and I have come to realize that my grief needs mourning, and, my mourning needs my mothering.<\/p>\n<p><em><a title=\"Mothering the Mourning\" href=\"https:\/\/stillbirthday.com\/category\/mothering-mourning\/\" target=\"_blank\"><em>Mothering\u00a0Our Mourning<\/em><\/a>\u00a0<\/em>is a play on words.\u00a0 Most of my intimate times with my grief, when I am able to identify its goodness, have come to me in the wee hours of the morning.\u00a0\u00a0I’ve come to refer to\u00a0this sacred space as Mother in the Morning.\u00a0 I share about these most treasured moments in my book <a title=\"The Invisible Pregnancy - get your copy today!\" href=\"https:\/\/stillbirthday.com\/invisible-pregnancy\" target=\"_blank\"><strong>The Invisible Pregnancy<\/strong><\/a>, where I also explore the challenging concepts of nurturing and disciplining our mourning, and other challenging concepts such as recognizing the beautiful truths\u00a0in what I\u00a0identify as\u00a0<em>ec0-thanatology<\/em>.\u00a0 If these concepts seem intriguing, I’d recommend getting your copy of\u00a0<strong><a title=\"The Invisible Pregnancy\" href=\"https:\/\/stillbirthday.com\/invisible-pregnancy\" target=\"_blank\">The Invisible Pregnancy<\/a>,<\/strong> or consider hosting an <a title=\"learn more about the workshops\" href=\"http:\/\/www.stillbirthday\/workshops\" target=\"_blank\"><strong>Invisible Pregnancy Mother\u00a0Workshop<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0– and you and I can meet!<\/p>\n<p><a title=\"Mothering the Mourning\" href=\"https:\/\/stillbirthday.com\/category\/mothering-mourning\/\" target=\"_blank\"><em>Mothering\u00a0Our Mourning<\/em><\/a>\u00a0is my way of recognizing that my grief connects me to my child, my mourning connects me to my grief,\u00a0and that I can seek out and find the many beautiful aspects of thes connections.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/stillbirthday.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/02\/tree1.jpg\"><img fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-12972\" title=\"tree1\" alt=\"\" src=\"https:\/\/stillbirthday.com\/wp-content\/plugins\/dynpicwatermark\/DynPicWaterMark_ImageViewer.php?path=2013\/02\/tree1-300x225.jpg\" width=\"300\" height=\"225\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p> <\/p>\n<h2>About the Coloring<\/h2>\n<p>Not because I think I have\u00a0much artistic skill at all (chuckle!), but because the vision of this piece came to me most suddenly the very day I decided to create the <a title=\"Mothering the Mourning\" href=\"https:\/\/stillbirthday.com\/category\/mothering-mourning\/\" target=\"_blank\"><em>Mothering\u00a0Our Mourning<\/em><\/a>\u00a0section here at stillbirthday, I want to take a look at some of the things that came to me as I was coloring this picture.<\/p>\n<p><strong>The Tree<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>I am the tree.\u00a0\u00a0Sometimes, I\u00a0feel grey and withered, as if I cannot muster any life from within me.\u00a0 I feel on a dusty, lifeless plain.\u00a0 While my heart does hold color, and life, sometimes I believe it is too wrapped in darkness for this bright life to emerge.\u00a0 Still, I know it is there.<\/p>\n<p>In contrast to the living seed, the grey tree doesn’t have roots, which seems to represent that the life from the living seed\u00a0runs deep, is solid, is permanent, while the grey tree doesn’t have that penetrable hold.<\/p>\n<p>As this grey tree, I have spent my own time, reaching, searching, outward, inward, looking for the answers to my child’s death.\u00a0 Not merely the physical reasons, but the spiritual reasons as well.\u00a0 “Why?” I’ve begged to know.\u00a0 The branches of this grey tree, I made with a series of the letter “Y”.\u00a0 As they thin, some of these Ys look like jagged thorns – in my quest, I know I have, at times, hurt others and myself.<\/p>\n<p><strong>The Jar<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><\/strong>I had no idea as I was shading in the black, that I was actually making a jar, but that is exactly what I made.\u00a0 The lifeless plain, everything I see in this darkness, is within this jar, this jar that doesn’t really have definition, it just sort of became there.\u00a0 In my simple view, I can’t see where the darkness ends, I only have a conviction that it somehow, somewhere does.\u00a0 In contrast to the colors above it, I trust that the Great Gardener can see much further across the horizon than I can.<\/p>\n<p><strong>The\u00a0 (invisible) Rain<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>The rain, from the point of view of within the jar, is tears.\u00a0 Tears of sadness, of pain, of longing, of confusion.\u00a0 The rain though, from the view of the Great Gardener, penetrates through the darkness, reaches to the depths of the roots of the living seed, and it refreshes and helps it grow.<\/p>\n<p>You don’t see the rain in the jar?\u00a0 It’s because so often I recognize that I have a more masculine mourning style, and quite often it’s invisible rain, but nevertheless, is still there.<\/p>\n<p><strong>The Great Gardener<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><\/strong>The Great Gardener implanted my child in my womb.\u00a0 His hands are golden, to me the color of holiness.\u00a0 Everything He plants is good.\u00a0 His arms extending from above – I\u00a0felt a little disappointed as I was coloring, to discover that both arms weren’t extending from the yellow in the rainbow, but as\u00a0His left arm is extending from green, I am reminded of the chakras, and\u00a0as His\u00a0left arm extends from green, I realize that our left arms are connected to our hearts (hence wearing\u00a0a wedding ring on\u00a0the left hand), and that what He plants is a labor of His own\u00a0love.\u00a0 As He digs into the soil,\u00a0and I am the tree, from my own limited view, I can’t see, but His\u00a0hands are penetrating through the darkness.<\/p>\n<p>These golden hands also look like my uterus.<\/p>\n<p><strong>The Big Heart<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><\/strong>The big heart is the seed of my child.\u00a0 This seed was planted within me, but what I don’t see in my limited view, is that this seed has taken deep root, and, this seed is growing and blossoming.<\/p>\n<p><strong>The Roots<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><\/strong>The roots of this sacred life seed trail into my searching braches of Ys (and whys).\u00a0 There are indicators of the growing of this sacred life, and connect me to the greater view\u00a0the Great Gardener has,\u00a0even if I don’t recognize them for what they are.\u00a0 They can bring life into the otherwise greyness.<\/p>\n<p>The\u00a0swirling, deep roots also look like my hair.<\/p>\n<p><strong>The Blossoms<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Only a heart can grow hearts.\u00a0 This sacred life seed will only grow more of what it is.\u00a0 This love extends and connects further than the primary stems that are immediately attached to it.\u00a0 This love continues to extend, branch out, reach others, and even overflow beyond the Great Gardeners arms.\u00a0\u00a0Such is the reach of this sacred life seed.<\/p>\n<p><strong>The Numbers<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><\/strong>I didn’t realize this while I was coloring, but there are seven blossoms.\u00a0 This is a biblically significant number.\u00a0 And, altogether, there are nine hearts.\u00a0 This too seems significant.\u00a0 Nine is the triple of triple, that is, three.\u00a0 This too, resonates with me as biblically significant.<\/p>\n<p><strong>The Rainbow<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Many families who are trying to conceive a subsequent child after loss often refer to this journey as “waiting for the rainbow” after the storm of their loss.\u00a0 While I understand the sentiment, I have always had a sense that this approach can put at least a little strain of expectation on the trying to conceive journey, and on\u00a0the subsequent child.\u00a0 I feel that this coloring confirms that the rainbow, of peace, the rainbow as a sign that God is with\u00a0us,\u00a0is already here, for each of us, however that rainbow manifests for each of us.\u00a0 Even when I can get a glimpse out of the darkness, all I might see is red, but the Great Gardener can see much further along the horizon than I can.\u00a0 This horizon, it looks like the sun rising.\u00a0 The rainbow, while I purposely didn’t measure the spaces of the colors, I can see that the purple is not as thick as the other colors, because I ran out of paper.\u00a0 Even\u00a0in knowing that the Great Gardener has a view of the horizon that extends much further than I can,\u00a0even I can’t see to the end of the rainbow.\u00a0 I believe that someday I will.<\/p>\n<p> <\/p>\n<p> <\/p>\n\n\n<div class=\"kk-star-ratings kksr-auto kksr-align-left kksr-valign-bottom\"\n data-payload='{"align":"left","id":"12962","slug":"default","valign":"bottom","ignore":"","reference":"auto","class":"","count":"0","legendonly":"","readonly":"","score":"0","starsonly":"","best":"5","gap":"5","greet":"Rate this post","legend":"0\\\/5 - (0 votes)","size":"24","title":"The Beginning","width":"0","_legend":"{score}\\\/{best} - ({count} {votes})","font_factor":"1.25"}'>\n \n<div 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Mothering\u00a0Our Mourning\u00a0is a place of short revelations I feel I’m given on my journey.\u00a0 It’s a place where I pause, to note the messages of healing spoken to my heart. While our Ripples program allows you to identify the ways in which […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1,181,193],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-12962","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","category-heidis-pieces","category-mothering-mourning"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/stillbirthday.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12962","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/stillbirthday.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/stillbirthday.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stillbirthday.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stillbirthday.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=12962"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/stillbirthday.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12962\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/stillbirthday.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=12962"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stillbirthday.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=12962"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stillbirthday.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=12962"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}