Dear Michelle,
I am so very sorry for the death of sweet Jubilee Shalom.
There is nothing easy about pregnancy loss, and having it occur in the view of the whole world certainly doesn’t make it any easier.
And, there are aspects of our shared Christian faith, you and I, that make the experience more bearable, but there are certainly aspects of the grief journey that are excruciating because of our faith.
When I experienced my own loss, I blogged about it in real time. It received thousands of views, and drew the comments of well-meaning, but often not well-versed, replies. I was told things like:
“Now you can focus on your other children better.”
“You shouldn’t have had your children so close together.”
“Having that many children is the sort of mother who would drive her children off of a bridge.”
“Your body wasn’t ready for this baby; it was your fault and you should have waited.”
“Now you don’t have to worry about having a special needs kid.”
“At least you have your other children.”
“At least you have your husband, so be glad that it wasn’t him that died.”
The truth is, none of these things are true. Losing a baby is hard, and shouldn’t be compared to anything else, by anyone else. And a war was waged within me, between satan and God. I was extremely angry, and deeply ashamed that I felt I could not carry my broken heart more gracefully.
I wanted my baby.
And, I know you wanted, and still want, Jubilee Shalom.
Please know, that my heart breaks for you at this time.
In the first few weeks after my loss, I experienced a tremendous amount of various emotions, from deep sadness to extreme anger. I cried out loud, a lot. I had some very important conversations with God, and it was an experience that at first attacked my faith, but ultimately served to strengthen it in ways I would have been too weak and too fearful to have obtained on my own.
Please know, that every mother who has come before you here at stillbirthday knows what loss is like.
We know that it doesn’t matter how many children you have; losing one is devastating.
We know that losing our infants brings out parts of ourselves that need a great deal of love, nurturing and care.
We know that there are additional aspects to losing a baby at 19 weeks gestation, including not obtaining a certified birth certificate for sweet Jubilee Shalom, among other things that many other people, not ever impacted by pregnancy loss, do not consider.
I pray that you are shielded from any negative aspects of your public position, and that God will use the very real life, and the very real death, of Jubilee Shalom to strengthen your conviction that your ministry, your public display of family love, is extremely important and valuable.
We, the pregnancy loss community, come from various backgrounds and belief systems. Not all of the mothers who have been here are Christian and so they do not all align with your family values.
But know this: we ALL welcome you into the community that truly no one ever wants to be a part of.
May God fill your heart with peace as you prepare for Jubilee’s memorial service today, and in the many days to come. This is only the beginning of your healing journey.
For our readers who would like to keep updated on the Duggar family, please visit the Duggar Family Blog and their original blog here.
This video is Michelle’s letter to her daughter, Jubilee Shalom:
[vimeo http://www.vimeo.com/33754101 w=400&h=225]
