This is My Farewell

Told by: Lynne

My first child was a twin. I didn’t find that our for many years–31 to be exact. I bled the first few months I knew I was pregnant. I didn’t think much about as my mother bled through both pregnancies with her sons born 8 and 11 years before I was born. I had a troubled delivery. I nearly bled to death until some bright nurse decided pitocin was necessary in i.v. form. Problem was, my veins were collapsing and until the very last minute, I believe, an open vein was found. I was given 2 units of blood. I bled those out. While trying to cope with my first child still under Billi lights in the hospital nursery, I attempted to recover from an anal rip that took 2 hours and 45 minutes to repair. Finally, baby came home. I still continued to be in pain–location: lower abdomen. After having my pregnancy m.d. remove a fecal impaction, I still remained in pain and bleeding heavily. At no time did anyone , nurse or doctor feel my lower abdomen. On my way back into the m.d.’s office, I stopped for a blood test to check anemia. I had an overwhelming urge to vomit and go potty at the same time, so I used the bathroom in the lab. Now I know what I saw was my other child’s placenta (I know this was not born child’s placenta, as I viewed it up close and personally at my son’s birth. It was a picture-perfect placenta.). At the time, I wanted to grab what I saw and take it up to the m.d.’s office, but the lab tech told me I could not extract it from the facility. Last year, a very dear person was talking of her daughter’s birth. By that time, ultrasound readily was used. She described the same scenario as I had above, but her m.d. had modern technology on his side and found the unoccupied placenta. She immediately had a D&C to remove placenta.

This is my farewell to my son or daughter thirty-two years later; actually 32 years, 7 months and 18 days later. I really had odd feeling of missing a babe when my next preemie son was born, 2 days less that 2 years later. I believe I was mourning the passing of the missing twin from prior pregnancy. 15 months later, I gave birth to a healthy, 40 week pregnancy, baby boy. No matter whether this happens to you and you know immediately or like me, 31 years later, its still the same; nothing changes.  You miss your unborn child and don’t let go ’til you say ”good-bye”.

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BIRTH & BEREAVEMENT QUOTES
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She was a genius of sadness, immersing herself in it, separating its numerous strands, appreciating its subtle nuances. She was a prism through which sadness could be divided into its infinite spectrum.

— Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything Is Illuminated

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.

— C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

I am strong.

— January, founder of Birth Without Fear

When someone you love dies, and you’re not expecting it, you don’t lose her all at once; you lose her in pieces over a long time—the way the mail stops coming, and her scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in her closet and drawers. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of her that are gone. Just when the day comes—when there’s a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that she’s gone, forever—there comes another day, and another specifically missing part.

— John Irving, A Prayer for Owen Meany

They say time heals all wounds, but that presumes the source of the grief is finite.

— Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince
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