He Sends Rainbows

Told by: Lucy

On 15th May I lost my baby at 12 weeks. We went for a scan and baby had no heart beat. 3 days later I went in for op. This tore me apart. Never before had I felt such heart ache.

August I found out I was expecting again. I had 3 early scans, and all was great. Twenty week scan we found out I was having a boy. Harry!

At 30 week I had a 4d scan. It was amazing. Harry was such a wriggler. We began to buy everything at this point. Decorated the nursery, brought clothes, pushchair, everything.

My due date came, 28th may 2011. No sign. This went on for 9 days. On 8th June I went out for lunch, and returned for a nap before picking my daughter up from school. 8 pm I sat having my 3rd curry of the week. When I went to bed I realized I hadn’t felt him move since lunch time.

Tried cold water, walking around. No movement. No heart beat on the doppler either.

Panic struck.

We went straight to our midwife place, she couldn’t find it either. Then went to hospital, had a scan, they couldn’t find it either.

12.20 am on the 9th June 2011 our world fell apart.

After 3 hours of talking (but I couldn’t tell you now what was said) I started induction. At 10 am I went into labour. 5 20 I gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy ever.

Perfect in every way apart from he wasn’t breathing. 6. 12 and half pounds. Heart breaking.

I don’t think I stopped crying all that day.

That was the start of another nightmare. The next few weeks were every parents nightmare. Funeral planning. registering his death. Went in a haze really. We had him blessed. Held him for 3 days before we left the hospital. The hospital was brilliant. I got the best care I could have under the circumstances. That was 2 years ago.

5 weeks after, I found out I was expecting again. Terror struck me. But after excellent care again, and very regular scans I now have Benjamin Harry. He is 15 months. Our little rainbow. Sent from harry.

Its hard to live everyday with out Harry but I have to thank him for making me who I am today.

Opening my eyes to a love I’ve never felt before. Hugs to everyone else who has walked my path.

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BIRTH & BEREAVEMENT QUOTES

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Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering.

— Paulo Coelho

Fear keeps us focused on the past or worried about the future. If we can acknowledge our fear, we can realize that right now we are okay. Right now, today, we are still alive, and our bodies are working marvelously. Our eyes can still see the beautiful sky. Our ears can still hear the voices of our loved ones.

— Thich Nhat Hanh

People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.

— Thich Nhat Hanh

Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today.

— Thich Nhat Hanh

You must submit to supreme suffering in order to discover the completion of joy.

— John Calvin

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