He Sends Rainbows

Told by: Lucy

On 15th May I lost my baby at 12 weeks. We went for a scan and baby had no heart beat. 3 days later I went in for op. This tore me apart. Never before had I felt such heart ache.

August I found out I was expecting again. I had 3 early scans, and all was great. Twenty week scan we found out I was having a boy. Harry!

At 30 week I had a 4d scan. It was amazing. Harry was such a wriggler. We began to buy everything at this point. Decorated the nursery, brought clothes, pushchair, everything.

My due date came, 28th may 2011. No sign. This went on for 9 days. On 8th June I went out for lunch, and returned for a nap before picking my daughter up from school. 8 pm I sat having my 3rd curry of the week. When I went to bed I realized I hadn’t felt him move since lunch time.

Tried cold water, walking around. No movement. No heart beat on the doppler either.

Panic struck.

We went straight to our midwife place, she couldn’t find it either. Then went to hospital, had a scan, they couldn’t find it either.

12.20 am on the 9th June 2011 our world fell apart.

After 3 hours of talking (but I couldn’t tell you now what was said) I started induction. At 10 am I went into labour. 5 20 I gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy ever.

Perfect in every way apart from he wasn’t breathing. 6. 12 and half pounds. Heart breaking.

I don’t think I stopped crying all that day.

That was the start of another nightmare. The next few weeks were every parents nightmare. Funeral planning. registering his death. Went in a haze really. We had him blessed. Held him for 3 days before we left the hospital. The hospital was brilliant. I got the best care I could have under the circumstances. That was 2 years ago.

5 weeks after, I found out I was expecting again. Terror struck me. But after excellent care again, and very regular scans I now have Benjamin Harry. He is 15 months. Our little rainbow. Sent from harry.

Its hard to live everyday with out Harry but I have to thank him for making me who I am today.

Opening my eyes to a love I’ve never felt before. Hugs to everyone else who has walked my path.

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BIRTH & BEREAVEMENT QUOTES

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She was a genius of sadness, immersing herself in it, separating its numerous strands, appreciating its subtle nuances. She was a prism through which sadness could be divided into its infinite spectrum.

— Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything Is Illuminated

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.

— C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

I am strong.

— January, founder of Birth Without Fear

When someone you love dies, and you’re not expecting it, you don’t lose her all at once; you lose her in pieces over a long time—the way the mail stops coming, and her scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in her closet and drawers. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of her that are gone. Just when the day comes—when there’s a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that she’s gone, forever—there comes another day, and another specifically missing part.

— John Irving, A Prayer for Owen Meany

They say time heals all wounds, but that presumes the source of the grief is finite.

— Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince

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