Told by: Angela
On May 29th, 2013 I arrived at my 32 week routine check up.
I was excited to see my little Summer Wylde Rose on the ultra sound but I had concerns regarding how little she had been moving the days prior to my appointment. I would have called right away but I had read online that other moms had the same concerns at 8 months and had found out everything was fine – they were simply over reacting, which I do quite a bit.
During the ultrasound I was talking a mile a minute as the ultrasound tech checked her head to toe. I noticed Summer wasn’t moving a whole lot but didn’t ask because I’d heard that ultrasound technicians aren’t allowed to say anything about their findings to the patient; I also figured she seemed to still be as upbeat as the other times I’d seen her so maybe I was still freaking out for no reason.
Shortly after, when I saw my doctor, I let her know right away about my concern with Summer’s lack of movement. She excused herself and came back with a portable ultrasound machine. After lubing up my belly again, she found Summer’s chest and paused then adjusted the ultrasound and paused again. I watched my baby on the screen laying still, my heart sank as I realized my worst fear was a reality.
“See that black spot?” I watched my doc’s shaky hand point at the screen as my mind went blank. “That’s where we usually see her heart beating.” She moved the ultrasound one last time. I don’t remember what she said but we listened closely for her heart beat but all we heard was static. My heart sank as she grasped my hand. “I’m so sorry.”
Her voice was surprisingly soothing and heart felt, which wasn’t to much of a surprise but I’m so used to doctors being some what distant that some how her reaction helped me from collapsing completely. I couldn’t take my eyes off the ultrasound screen.
“Lets turn this off.” I was a little relieved, God knows how long I could have been stuck looking at my sleeping beauty. She had me call someone to come for support, obviously we agreed calling my partner, Summer’s father, was the best choice. I couldn’t bring myself to say what was wrong over the phone but he agreed to come. I kept beating myself up for letting him sleep in, he offered to come with me to this visit but I insisted I would be fine on my own. As he bussed over to the hospital he begged me to at least text him what was wrong, so I did. His text brought on my first round of uncontrollable sobs: “Oh God no, no no no! This cannot be happening. Is she sure?”
Our doc told us we could take a few days to take everything in before I had to be induced but she said we shouldn’t wait longer than 8 days. Two days later we were induced. Because Summer had passed about a week prior to being induced it could take up to three days for the medicine to put my body into active labor. Two days later on Sunday June 2nd, 2013, Summer Wylde Rose was born 2lbs 10oz, 15 inches. Despite how amazing the staff was, it’s hard talking about, let alone describing the experience in the hospital simply because of how emotional it was for everyone involved.
I could not have done it without my partner and my family constantly visiting or the support of our friends and co-workers. We were blessed with great nurses and an amazing doctor who helped take pictures, made prints of our babies hands and feet, and put together a memory box on top of supporting and caring for us through such a hard time.
Telling my 10 year old step-daughter was the hardest part of this for me. I would go through a vaginal still birth a thousand times over before I would ever want to tell that precious child bad news like this again. Watching Chloe cry and get that upset broke my heart, these are the kinds of things you want to protect your child from. Not a day goes by where I don’t miss my baby girl; every day I wish there was a dirty diaper for me to change or a crying face to kiss. Chloe, my partner, my family and I talk about Summer a lot.
