Help to See This One Through

Told by: Amanda

My son was born still on May 13, 2008. He was 39 weeks gestation. I remember it like it was yesterday. I had went to the hospital on a Saturday night, because I went to use the restroom and my water broke. When I got there, the Doctors did not check to see if it was still in tact. They hooked me up to monitors and said baby was doing fine and sent me on my way. The next day Mothers day of 2008, and I remember eating and him kicking over and over again. I didn’t know then that, that would be the last time I felt him move.

The next night I realized that I had not felt him kick all day. I decided to go to the hospital as Braxton hicks were coming on, and without any movement I was worried. As soon as I got there they immediately hooked me up to the monitors, and the nurse had a worried look on her face. As soon as she said, “I’ll be back I have to get the doctor.” I immediately started crying and panicking.

The doctor came into the room and hooked me up to another machine, and said, “I’m sorry but he has passed away.” Next thing I know my fiancé (at the time) hit the floor. He had passed out, and nurses flooded in to place salt under his nose to wake make him come to. I on the other hand only remember screaming “NO” through my uncontrollable sobbing. According to family and friends, I must have went into shock.

Once the crying stopped I started making phone calls, and was told that I was completely calm in letting them know. The doctor then slapped his hands together and told me that we need to “Get this show on the road” I wanted to hurt that man. More than I’d ever wanted to hurt anyone in my entire life. His unsympathetic nature, made me sick.

After that moment, the rest became a blur. I don’t know if it was the shock or what, but the next two months I don’t remember anything. I do have regrets. I never held my child, because at the time I didn’t think I could handle it. I wish now I would have. My life was meaningless without him. The father couldn’t handle the pain. He turned to drugs, and sadly I left him. I have had four miscarriages since his death. I am now pregnant again, and praying that my little Guardian Angel will help me see this one through.

5/5 - (1 vote)

0 0 votes

Article Rating

BIRTH & BEREAVEMENT QUOTES

« ‹ 14 of 16 › »

She was a genius of sadness, immersing herself in it, separating its numerous strands, appreciating its subtle nuances. She was a prism through which sadness could be divided into its infinite spectrum.

— Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything Is Illuminated

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.

— C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

I am strong.

— January, founder of Birth Without Fear

When someone you love dies, and you’re not expecting it, you don’t lose her all at once; you lose her in pieces over a long time—the way the mail stops coming, and her scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in her closet and drawers. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of her that are gone. Just when the day comes—when there’s a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that she’s gone, forever—there comes another day, and another specifically missing part.

— John Irving, A Prayer for Owen Meany

They say time heals all wounds, but that presumes the source of the grief is finite.

— Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince

« ‹ 14 of 16 › »

BECOME A DOULA!

Enroll now in the Birth & Bereavement Doula® program!

We onboard enrolled students into the program by email invitation.

After tuition, you can email heidi.faith@stillbirthday.com directly to expedite this step. Alternatively, if you prefer fb communications, you can join us in Admissions.