Why Can’t We Know Why?

Told by: Kisha

On July 30 I had a ultrasound to confirm my pregnancy. Yesterday I went back for the complete exam and another ultrasound to check the baby’s measurements.

I was 8 weeks and measurements were accurate but there was no heart beat.

I have two children and I had already shared with them the news. They were so hurt when I told them about the doctor visit.

I had an ectopic pregnancy in November 2012 so now I am wondering about my body. I don’t know if my body is not in shape to have more kids or what. I also wonder what my husband feels about me or if he blames me. He is really not himself right now. I have my D&C this Monday 8/12 and I just want to feel normal again.

I wish I had an answer to this but I don’t. I’m angry and sad, and hurt. I am not sure I want to try again. This is a pain I don’t want to feel again or want anyone else to feel. But the sad thing is it happens to families every day and there is no explanation why. Not knowing why makes it harder to accept for me.

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BIRTH & BEREAVEMENT QUOTES

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She was a genius of sadness, immersing herself in it, separating its numerous strands, appreciating its subtle nuances. She was a prism through which sadness could be divided into its infinite spectrum.

— Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything Is Illuminated

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.

— C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

I am strong.

— January, founder of Birth Without Fear

When someone you love dies, and you’re not expecting it, you don’t lose her all at once; you lose her in pieces over a long time—the way the mail stops coming, and her scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in her closet and drawers. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of her that are gone. Just when the day comes—when there’s a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that she’s gone, forever—there comes another day, and another specifically missing part.

— John Irving, A Prayer for Owen Meany

They say time heals all wounds, but that presumes the source of the grief is finite.

— Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince

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