He Held Me

Told by: Veronica

I found out I was expecting baby #6 in March this year and was due Nov 14th 2013.

I was so excited to finally have my final baby.  From the start I was worried something was off, our baby measured behind our first 3 appointments, but at our NT Scan our baby measured perfectly, I felt I could finally breath!

I mentioned at my next ob appointment that I kept feeling tightening in my lower belly like braxton hicks contractions, my OB told me to rest when I felt it and there wasn’t much to be done until I got to 20wks…on May 24th I went in for my elective scan and found out we were having a boy!

He would be my 4th son and I couldn’t wait.  Later that evening I felt a gush and knew things were bad I was bleeding, I went to the ER and they did an ultrasound and showed my son very much alive still, but no one could see my cervix we still don’t have answers on what happened.  I still remember the ER doctor that came in and told me I had a massive bleed and that I should expect to lose the Fetus…those words still ring in my ears I told her HE was a boy and a BABY not a Fetus, after all of this I was sent home to see what would happen…..

My Husband and I hardly slept that night and at 5:30 am on May 25th I got up and felt him descend.  I caught him in my hands as he was born, Hudson Avery Hunter Wright was perfect in every way just far too early to even have a chance.  He was only 15wks 2days.  In those few moments after he was born he grabbed my pinky, scrunched his little face and that was it he was gone; we held him, talked to him…

I later went to the hospital to be checked out, since he was born at home I have only what few photos we took of him.  As hard as all of this was to endure I have my faith that one day my boy and I will be together again God promises me that.

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BIRTH & BEREAVEMENT QUOTES
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She was a genius of sadness, immersing herself in it, separating its numerous strands, appreciating its subtle nuances. She was a prism through which sadness could be divided into its infinite spectrum.

— Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything Is Illuminated

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.

— C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

I am strong.

— January, founder of Birth Without Fear

When someone you love dies, and you’re not expecting it, you don’t lose her all at once; you lose her in pieces over a long time—the way the mail stops coming, and her scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in her closet and drawers. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of her that are gone. Just when the day comes—when there’s a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that she’s gone, forever—there comes another day, and another specifically missing part.

— John Irving, A Prayer for Owen Meany

They say time heals all wounds, but that presumes the source of the grief is finite.

— Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince
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