Told by: Andrea

I found out I was pregnant in the 3rd week of October, 2013. We were so excited!!

It didn’t take us any time at all to get pregnant. My numbers were rising steadily and I felt pregnant- my boobs hurt, was nauseous, extremely exhausted, etc. All of those “reassuring” sick feelings.

I went in at 7.5 weeks from my LMP and had the internal ultrasound. At that point, all we saw was the yolk sac. This had happened in my first pregnancy (of which we have a healthy, thriving 3 year old girl) so I was not worried. I also ovulate late, so I figured my dating would be off. I came in 1 week later and was so nervous! I was SHOCKED to see two little yolk sacs with their little bodies forming. Only one had a heartbeat at the time, the other was measuring a few days behind. But all looked good. My Midwife called me later that day and told me that the heart rate was a little low, but it could also be normal- it was too early to tell. She continued to monitor my HCG which at that point was VERY high due to twin pregnancy, and we were instructed to come back in 10 days to see how things were going.

My husband took the day off, and our daughter came with us. Immediately- I felt ill at ease. I can’t tell you why- I don’t know.

The tech didn’t say much but I could tell the babies had not grown, and at that point I should have been able to see their little nubs wiggling, as well as the heart fluttering like I had seen the week before. Again, she said nothing but “I need to go speak to our radiologist. I will be right back.” I was immediately angry.

I knew something was wrong. I was sent upstairs where they confirmed that neither baby was living and went over my options for a D&C, natural miscarriage, etc. I wanted to do this in the privacy of my home because I didn’t know what kind of emotions I would be experiencing at that time. I kept it together in the doctor’s office but cried the whole way home.

I had just ordered our Christmas cards which were our pregnancy announcement. Now I had to throw them away. Then began the wait for my body to recognize that I was no longer pregnant. I can’t really describe that feeling- anger, sadness, pain…and around those three again for a while. I began to take evening primrose oil to help soften my cervix (in case I ended up needing a D&C, I knew it would help open things up as it had in my previous pregnancy.) I waited, and thankfully my husband was home. I began having intense contractions. I was not prepared for that, as it ended up being more like true labor than a heavy period.

I had contractions for about an hour- very painful, couldn’t breathe contractions. I sneezed and felt my water break. Things quieted down and I kept my eye on the tissue coming out. I was in the “zone” so to speak and didn’t feel a whole lot of emotion at the time. I continued to pass quite a bit of tissue and then felt stronger contractions coming on at which time I passed what I think was probably the amniotic sac and babies. I started to feel nauseous and dizzy and to my great grief- I was not able to see them. I would have loved to have held them-just once, as tiny as they were.

It didn’t really hit me emotionally until the next day. I was so sore. So exhausted. So sad. I could barely hold my daughter. I was not prepared for the sense of loss I would feel- and still feel today. As the symptoms began to leave one by one. And I would find that the littlest thing would bring tears to my eyes- how much I would still love to be pregnant today. My motto is one day at a time. I am allowing myself the grace to feel everything that comes, as that is the only way we gain meaning from such a dreadful experience.