Zayra’s the Eldest

Told by: Sabrina

My daughter was born sleeping at 32 weeks on October 6, 2012,we named her Zayra Rayne she weighed 4lbs 4 oz and was 18 1/2 inches long. I posted my story about my daughter under the 32 weeks page. Sadly this was not the end of our disastrous 2 years. 6 months after we lost out daughter, we decided to try again.

The doctor gave us the go ahead but warned this pregnancy would have more tests so we could try to prevent another sleeping baby. I got pregnant that month, we were so happy this was going to be our rainbow baby. I had blood work down 4 times a week to check my HCG levels to ensure they were rising like they should.

At 8 weeks I began to bleed, we called the doctor and we were told to come right now. We had an ultrasound done and to our horror our child had passed away at 6 weeks. I decided that I would let my body do the natural thing and have my child at home. I was in pain,it felt as though I was having contractions that night at 9 p.m.

I gave birth to our daughter whom we named Deona Marie.

The next day the doctors confirmed my baby was no longer there. My doctor would later inform me that he knew I would miscarry because my HCG levels stopped rising at 6 weeks. 2 months later I became pregnant once again, it was our little surprise but we were ecstatic and scared. I had blood work done 3 times a week my HCG was rising great. I had every symptom in the book. I went to the doctors for my 8 week check up, I had to go alone because my husband had to work. During the ultrasound I saw my babies little legs and arms sadly I also saw that my baby did not have a heartbeat.

He had passed away the day before. We named him Ace Hope. The doctor told us we should do an emergency D&C because he wanted to know why this happened. I reluctantly agreed.

The tests showed nothing, we still do not know why this has happened 3 times in a row. I am unable to comprehend why this is occurring to us. All I wanted was a baby to hold and love to be ours; and it can not happen. I have no hope left.

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BIRTH & BEREAVEMENT QUOTES

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She was a genius of sadness, immersing herself in it, separating its numerous strands, appreciating its subtle nuances. She was a prism through which sadness could be divided into its infinite spectrum.

— Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything Is Illuminated

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.

— C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

I am strong.

— January, founder of Birth Without Fear

When someone you love dies, and you’re not expecting it, you don’t lose her all at once; you lose her in pieces over a long time—the way the mail stops coming, and her scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in her closet and drawers. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of her that are gone. Just when the day comes—when there’s a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that she’s gone, forever—there comes another day, and another specifically missing part.

— John Irving, A Prayer for Owen Meany

They say time heals all wounds, but that presumes the source of the grief is finite.

— Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince

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