Sometimes motherhood isn’t heartwarming.
Like when my baby died.
And the doctor called him “debris” – as in, “We need to get that debris out of there.”
It isn’t heartwarming.
Especially when the death of my baby has been, is, and always will be a wound in my heart.
Even small disappointments that otherwise might seem easy to miss, when they touch this particular wound, can grow in exponential disappointment and pain.
This weekend is the world premiere of Return to Zero. This countdown has been a long time coming, something we at stillbirthday have been watching with anticipation for a year! Many, many of us are anticipating the closing captions, where your babies names will be written (in alphabetical order) right into the movie!
But, some of us will have to work on Saturday night.
Or, some of us don’t have cable.
Some of us don’t have anyone we can relate to about the importance of watching the movie, and so in frustration or shame or loneliness are not telling others that we’d really like to see it.
One less rejection, right?
But staying alone, sitting on the sidelines,
benchwarming motherhood,
it hurts.
I believe that the movie Return to Zero has something substantial to speak to others not impacted by pregnancy and infant loss, and will serve as a valuable platform for us to bridge the chasm and bring awareness to so much needed support.
But I also know that many of us will be sitting out this weekend.
And I don’t want you to feel alone.
It is important for as many of us as possible to rise up to watch the movie, to spread the word, to shout this victory. Because nothing compares to having our own living children, but any voice to echo our tears from the chasm means the chance for someone to hear, someone to hear our hearts.
But it’s important for those who can’t participate, who can’t show up, who aren’t in a place yet where this is possible, to know that we who are in this chasm still see you, too.
We’re all, in this together.
Even as we might be benchwarming motherhood.
If you have felt as though you’ve been somehow benchwarming motherhood, you are invited to be heard. You are heard.
If you can’t attend a screening of Return to Zero this weekend but wish very much that you could, please leave a comment below, and two names will be chosen to receive your very own DVD copy of Return to Zero, anticipated to be released in June.
You can’t watch the movie this weekend – but you can own it.
Benchwarming can be heartwarming, too, when we can still feel a sense of connection, of being heard.
Sending y’all lots of love and peace through this weekend,
The founder of stillbirthday,
but more than anything, a mother,
sometimes, a benchwarming mother,
Heidi Faith
Two random names will be drawn and announced on our facebook page on Saturday May 17 at 5pm, so “like” the page to be sure you see the announcement.
**Update: it is May 17 and the movie is about to begin. This giveaway is staying open until Sunday May 18, as Sean Hanish, the producer himself, is giving away a DVD to the stillbirthday community. This will make 3 DVDs given away in honor of the Lifetime world premiere of Return to Zero.**
***NAMES: Cori Bolger (12), Ursila M.(13), Carolyn (41), your names were randomly chosen. Please visit the stillbirthday facebook page to send in a private message, or email Heidi.Faith@stillbirthday.com to connect with your mailing address to receive your free DVD copy of Return to Zero.***
You can also click here to purchase your DVD copy of Return to Zero.
In the summer of 2013 Return to Zero extended a special offer to stillbirthday to have our babies’ names listed in the closing credits in a special place at the close of the film. If you were part of that opportunity, you can return to our 2013 posting on that to see the babies names from our community who are written into the special closing credits of Return to Zero.
Mothering Our Mourning means giving ourselves the discipline we need to construct our expressions in healthy and healing ways, but also that we give ourselves permission that we do release, express, and share.
