If you are miscarrying right now, or have just found out that when your pregnancy is over your baby will likely not survive, this website is the right place for you.
I am so very sorry.
I pray that this website will help you to:
learn a little bit about the kind of pregnancy loss you are having
learn about your baby’s most recent development in the womb
be able to see an actual picture of a baby that is the same size as yours (only if you wish). For greater accuracy, choose the age that your baby last measured at.
be able to read about another parent who lost their baby at the same age as yours (only if you wish). You can also do this by viewing the listing of weeks in the right sidebar of the screen, followed by other groups of stories, such as stories from dads, stories of parents of multiples, and those from parents of children with a fatal diagnosis.
learn more about the kinds of birth methods you might have for your baby
find ways to make the birth of your miscarried or stillborn baby meaningful
consider including a doula in your birth plans. A doula offers emotional and physical support through the process of childbirth, and the doulas listed here, in each state, are willing to offer support through your process of pregnancy loss, offering their skill, love, compassion, and validation. You can view a list of pregnancy loss doulas, and other professionals, such as photographers, in your state.
explore farewell celebrations that will help you grieve in a healthy way
come back to this site later, to utilize long term support services and resources listed here, and when you’re ready, to share your story, if you wish. You are always welcome back.
All of the links you need are listed at the top of the page; however, everything listed above has also been arranged in a way that will allow you to just click different options on each page and be taken to the specific path of information that is right for you, and will answer everything listed above in an easy to understand order. All you have to do is click the Start Here link, and we will walk through this together. You can do this. Let’s do this together.
~~~
(Important disclaimer: this is an informational site only, and should not be used to diagnose or treat any medical condition. Please consult your healthcare provider for medical information.) Because this is not a medical website, we passionately strive to provide you with explanations that are sensitive and personal and not bound by medical terminology.
~~~
If you have lost your baby at any time in the past, this website is right for you. I pray that you will be able to find healing and inspirational expressions of love for your child and closure to the grief. I pray that you will be able to reach out to other hurting parents by sharing your story with us. If you have had a “rainbow baby”, meaning you’ve given birth to a live baby subsequent to a pregnancy or infant loss, we’d love to add your story to the getting pregnant again section, to offer hope to other parents, and invite you to view our subsequent pregnancy support section. Additionally, if you are pregnant now, and have had a loss at any time in the past, we have a section of helpful resources for you.
If you are the father of a miscarried or stillborn baby, your feelings and experiences are just as real and valid as the mother’s. We have a small but growing section of resources specific to pregnancy loss support for dads.
If you are a friend or a loved one to someone losing a baby, this website is right for you. I pray that you will be able to explore positive, constructive ways to support your loved one, as well as find healing and support for your own grieving heart. Thank you so very much for being here.
If you are a professional or volunteerinterested in supporting families through loss, bless you. I pray this website will allow you to have a glimpse of what pregnancy loss is like, so that you can cultivate respectful empathy and a loving, servant heart toward broken hearted parents. You also need support through grief, so please visit our Provider Care section, where you come first. Thank you so very much for being here.
The creator of stillbirthday is also a pregnancy loss doula and the mother of a miscarried baby. To learn more about her story, you can visit the message from the site creator.
-An excited mother meets with her prenatal provider to have her mid-pregnancy ultrasound and determine the gender of her baby. She leaves, totally devastated, as she learns her baby has a condition that isn’t compatible with life outside of the womb.
-A mother experiences heavy bleeding accompanied by heavy cramping. She’s only known she’s been pregnant for a couple of weeks; she hasn’t even seen her provider yet.
-A mother goes into unstoppable labor halfway through her pregnancy.
-A mother labors at 39 weeks, after a totally uneventful pregnancy, anticipating the birth of her live baby, when something tragic suddenly happens in the course of her labor.
What do each of these mothers have in common?
Many things. They are all mothers. They all anticipated giving birth to live children, and their dreams came to a shattering, abrupt, crushing halt.
And, through stillbirthday, they each can utilize a doula.
What is a doula?
Doula is a Greek word, which dates back to biblical usage. According to the New Testament usage, it meant someone who was willing to provide service to someone in need, so that the person in need would learn about Jesus’ sacrifical love.
The Birth Doula/Labor Coach
Since its usage in scripture, doula has come to have something of a different meaning. Beginning in 1973 with the publication of “The Tender Gift” by Dana Raphael on the study of breastfeeding support in the Philippines, the term ”doula” became associated with experienced women who come alongside new mothers while they are pregnant and during the actual childbirth process, to provide love, encouragement, information and support, in addition to continual breastfeeding support.
Aging/Seriously Ill/End of Life/Bereavent Support
In 1998, Dr. Sherwin Nuland, professor of surgery at Yale University School of Medicine and author of How We Die: Reflections on Life’s Final Chapter, spoke at a conference hosted by the Shira Ruskay Foundation in New York of the Yiddish and Hebrew word for funeral, levaya, which means “to accompany.”
One midwife (not to be confused with doula) speaks of her role through a Jewish “Taharah”, which is a burial preparation that literally means “to purify”:
“The act of helping a woman and her baby through their many transitions seemed analogous to helping the soul transition from this plane of existence to the next.
I performed my first Taharah, and it was more than I expected – more silence, more depth, more sensitivity. The concern of being with and touching a dead body left as soon as I entered the room. The midwife in me took over. The four members of our team worked quietly, with tenderness. And the energy, amazingly, felt the same as at a birth — a feeling of completion, a palpable sense of the soul transitioning and a humble appreciation of the privilege of being there.” (source)
Inspired by Dr. Nuland, Phyllis Farley, chairman of the board of the Maternity Center Association in Manhattan, launched the Doula to Accompany and Comfort Program at the Jewish Board of Family and Children’s Services in New York.
In 2001, this Board, with the support of the New York University Medical Center’s Department of Social Services, began a doula program with this focus: rather than on providing comfort to mothers as they welcome in new life, this program provided comfort to those with serious illness, facing the end of life journey. (source)
Benefits of Bereavement Support
“Doulas provide stability in that they are a constant presence for the patient,” said Rev. Marci Pounders, chaplain for the Supportive and Palliative Care Service and coordinator of Baylor Dallas’ program. “Each [doula] is assigned to one patient at a time so that they may concentrate on that person’s needs. They seek to relieve suffering and improve patients’ and families’ quality of life. Often just listening provides the ultimate form of stability.” (source)
It is the goal of Rev. Pounders and the Baylor Office of Clinical Ethics and Palliative Care to expand their Doula to Accompany and Comfort Program program to all Baylor Health Care System affiliates. (source)
Hogan’s Grief Response Checklist and the qualitative data tracked positive outcomes for both the peer supporters and the clients participating in the Peer Support Program of the Canadian Mental Health Association Suicide Services in Calgary, Alberta. (source)
Comfort Zone Camp, through HelloGrief, notes the following benefits of peer grief support (groups) (source):
Emotional and physical support in a safe and non-judgmental environment.
Support and understanding from others who have experienced a similar loss.
The opportunity to begin the healing process through sharing your own story and hearing the stories of others.
Coping skills to help you through the most difficult days of your grief journey.
Hope through companionship with people who “get it” and understand first-hand what you’re going through.
The opportunity to discover new traditions and ideas to keep loved ones present in your hearts and in your memories.
Increased understanding of how children and other family members react to loss.
Permission to grieve and permission to live a happy productive life.
The Journal of Obstetric, Gynecologic and Neonatal Nursing and Marianne H. Hutti, DNS, WHNP-C recognize the social needs of couples and families after perinatal loss, as well as the positive response in these families to social support, and encourage social support in addition to any medical care the bereaved family may need.
The Mayo Clinic notes that peer bereavement support can provide an emotional connection, relieve feelings of isolation, provide the bereaved with an opportunity to release powerful emotions they may otherwise keep to themselves, peer support can allow for the exchange of useful information ranging from disease research and new medications, to coping strategies even within the first year; additionally, it is noted that health care providers say that it can improve a participant’s mood and decrease psychological distress. (source)
Results from Eric G Hulsey’s Doctoral Dissertation, archived at the Institutional Repository at the University of Pittsburgh, of a study on childhood bereavement and peer support suggested that peer support programs can improve children’s coping efficacy while helping to improve their caregivers’ perception of social support. (source)
Dr. Phyllis R. Silverman, researcher and teacher. Dr. Silverman’s research in understanding how the bereaved help each other led to her development of the peer-to-peer model for grief support.
Doulas supplement (not replace) medical support to provide the following:
reduces overall Cesarean birth rate 50%
reduces the length of labor 25%
reduces Pitocin use 40%
reduces the need for forceps delivery 40%
reduces requests for epidural pain relief 60% (source)
These statistics were derived from live births outcomes. There are no current statistics on doula support for known fetal demise, but it can be concluded that doula support for such birth outcomes would reflect these statistics, although the degree of reflection is unclear. It is most certain that doula support for known fetal demise outcomes would not contradict these reported outcomes.
One medical review of obstetric and postpartum benefits of doulas concludes:
“A thorough reorganization of current birth practices is in order to ensure that every woman has access to continuous emotional and physical support [doulas] during labor.” (source)
Stillbirthday recognizes this to include mothers enduring pregnancy loss, giving birth to miscarried or stillborn babies.
The Cochrane Review of doulas and their benefits, along with a helpful explantion of their study, is available.
The American Academy of Pediatrics published a review pointing to continuous labor support not only lowering unnecessary interventions during labor, but increasing parental bonding with the infant – with the distinction between parental bonding and infant attachment, suggesting the newborn need not attach for the parent to bond. This would apply then, to babies born still, with no demonstrable attachmentment. This bonding can help facilitate healthy grieving. (source)
“Those of us trying to understand and be helpful to the bereaved are much more comfortable now with the idea that we always carry many relationships within us. A person does not always have to be present for us to feel connected. When the absence is the result of a death it is necessary to change the nature of the relationship rather than letting it go.” -Dr. Phyllis R. Silverman (source)
Stillbirthday Bereavement Doulas
Combining the benefits of bereavement support with the benefits of labor support, stillbirthday seeks to provide every mother and family experiencing pregnancy loss with compassionate and comprehensive emotional as well as practical support:
-SBD doulas can fill in the space between learning of a difficult diagnosis and the birth of the baby, supplementing perinatal hospice and medical support.
-SBD doulas can provide labor support prior to and during a miscarriage.
-SBD doulas can attend births at any gestational age.
-SBD doulas can provide postpartum support for mothers who’ve experienced pregnancy or infant loss
-SBD doulas can provide services and support for subsequent pregnancies and births
In under a year, stillbirthday has already enlisted the support of 200 doulas from every US state and around the world – and we continue to grow! If you are a certified doula and would like to join our team, you can list your services with us, which gives you free listing, access to our email updates and online support group, and more. When you join us, don’t forget to purchase our Pregnancy Loss Doula Handbook, which provides some of the very basic principles of bereavement doula support.
If you’d like to increase your knowledge of bereavement doula support and earn the SBD credentials, register to join our email list. You will receive updates and information regarding our upcoming training, which includes:
prenatal education, planning and support for parents
physical aspects of childbirth (stages of labor, process of birth)
differences and similarities in aspects of childbirth by trimester
navigating birthing options
techniques for providing comfort during labor
techniques for naturally aiding in progress of labor
emotional aspects of childbirth which doesn’t result in live birth
guidance for home, provider office, hospital, and NICU settings
physical postpartum care / recovery for the mother after birth
emotional support for parents immediately after birth
navigating the overwhelming time from the birth to the farewell (including things like hospital paperwork, medical examinations, funeral preparations)
providing support for subsequent / ”rainbow” pregnancies
establishing yourself as a professional in your community / using stillbirthday resources and other resources
As an added incentive, one of our very own doulas is offering a giveaway opportunity for all interested moms who sign up to join our very first training! From now until the end of August, any mom who signs up for our first training will be entered into a drawing to win one item from Brandi’s shop – and the winner can choose if she’d like the item to be for herself – or for her first stillbirthday client. The winner will be announced in September. What a great welcoming to our amazing group of doulas!
Heather discovered in her 16th week of pregnancy that her son, Grayson, had Anencephaly.
Her providers gave her the option to terminate the pregnancy, but she and her husband prayerfully decided to continue with the pregnancy. Heather says,
“My husband and I, we started prayer and we knew that God knew since the beginning of time that He had us for this.” (source)
Deciding to carry to term or not is the most difficult decision a parent could possibly face for their child – regardless of how they choose.
“Theoretically they can. In practice, there are certain problems. The science of organ grafting in newly-born babies is incipient; its medium-term results are not well known, whereas its long-term results are not known at all. The organs of an anencephalic child can only be removed if the child has been certified dead. However, the criteria that define cerebral death cannot usually be applied to children under 7 days old. Before cerebral death is confirmed, the organs of such children may become so damaged that they are unfit for organ-donation. Anencephalic children do not have a rear brain but they do have a forebrain which usually functions normally at birth. The forebrain dies slowly and other organs may die in the intervening period of time. It has been observed that clinical cerebral death (complete absence of reactions and reflexes and absence of spontaneous breathing) almost always occurs after the heart has begun to fail. Therefore anencephalic children would only rarely be able to donate organs. In some countries / states, the heart valves can be removed for use in a later transplant. The problems mentioned above are less relevant because the valves can be removed up to 8 hours after the death of the child and are frozen until a recipient is found. “ (source)
These are both huge decisions: to carry to term, or not, and to donate organs, or not.
And yet these are not the only decisions a family faces when they learn their child has Anencephaly.
A mother can choose breastmilk donation, have special photos of the birth, incorporate special Farewell Celebrations and utilize the help of bereavement doulas, and more, all available here at stillbirthday.
Heather wanted to validate the reality of her son Grayson James, by sharing his photos with her friends on Facebook.
Anencephaly is not easy to look at. There is visible exposure, the shape of the baby’s head is visibly incomplete. Without wearing a newborn hat, bonnet, or wrapping, it is very apparent that Anencephaly impacts the development of the baby’s skull and brain formation. Parents must prepare themselves to see what is missing – what these parents discover, is that they do not need to prepare themselves for everything that is not missing – they see a baby, their baby, and they fall in love with their child. They see their child as beautiful. And then they may want to share that with others. Because, their child is beautiful.
Unfortunately, Heather’s photos were removed- which means they were first reported. Heather responded to Facebook,
“Dear Facebook, All babies are beautiful blessings. Where do you get off saying this angel is offensive?” (source)
Heather and her friends continued to repost Grayson’s precious photos – but then Facebook put Heather on a 24 hour ban from the site.
Photos of Grayson do not violate any of Facebook’s community standards, which you can access for yourself but consist of the following:
Violence and Threats
Self-Harm
Bullying and Harassment
Hate Speech
Graphic Violence
Nudity and Pornography
Identity and Privacy
Intellectual Property
Phishing and Spam
Here is a slideshow of Grayson’s photos. If Heather, his mother, wants to honor her son by sharing the reality of his condition, his short life, his real personhood, his impact on his family, his reach into the world, than we at stillbirthday stand with this mother to help make that happen. We will carry you, Grayson, in our hearts.
Jennyfur Angel, Due June 8th, 2002, Grew Wings December 26th, 2001 Glory Michelle august 17,2009 Baby Bean, September 10th, 2010 8.3weeks Sweet Baby Cantrell Jan 21,2011 (ectopic at 5 weeks) Poppy Feb 15, 2012 (ectopic at 4 weeks) due Oct 23,2012 and 10 unnamed Angels (ranging from 4 weeks to 12 weeks) Over the past 14 years, I have held 18 precious little babies inside of me. I have been graced by 3 of them here on earth. The other 15 have grew wings and found their home above in heaven with the Lord. Out of the 15 angels I have looking down upon me, I only knew the sex of one, had named her & started preparations for her arrival. Many years ago, I contracted an STD, Chlamydia. I had it for 5 years before I had been diagnosed, so it caused a lot of damage to my uterus. September 2001, I had become pregnant, things went rather well but we knew that I would have to be careful due to the fact that I was high risk. In the following months, things continued to develop smoothly. I went to the doctor in the early weeks of December to check on the precious child growing inside of me & find out that I was having a girl. I was never so excited. As I left the doctors office & got into my car, the song ” show me heaven” was playing on the radio. The perfect song for my sweet little girl. I decided that since my daughters father was at work & could not be there for my appointment, I would go to the local flower shop & purchase him a single pink rose bud. When I saw him that night after work, I handed him the pink rose, without saying a word. He knew right away what that meant. He was getting his little girl, whom he had always dreamed of holding. We decided that we would name her Jennyfur Angel, Her father wanted her to be named after me. I called her Angel, seemed like the perfect name for my gift sent to me from heaven. We started gathering items for her right away, bibs, shirts, her first blanket, anything we thought would be prefect for her. The week before Christmas I decided to start telling my family that I was carrying a little girl inside of me, because I had began to develop a bump that was getting hard to hide. Christmas came and I went to visit with family put of town for a few days. Things were still going great with my pregnancy. The day after Christmas, I had allowed my stresses and anger to get the best of me, I walked outside to gather myself & get a breath of fresh air. Not paying attention, I slipped on a patch of ice and fell, right on my stomach. I knew right away what had happened. I felt the sharp pains in my stomach. I had felt those pains before. I was rushed to the hospital to see if there was anything they could do but it was too late… my little angel had become exactly that. MY ANGEL! She grew her wings and flew above to heaven to be there with all of my other children. 2 months later, I again became pregnant… 9 months later I had my son, Austin. Austin was a twin, but twin B grew wings 2/19/02 while i was looking at the sonogram machine the heart beat just stopped. Even though it has been 10 years since my daughter grew her wings, I only began to cope with the pain in 2008. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her, there are still times that I can feel her moving around inside of me. Now that I have my 3 beautiful living children, I know that my angels are watching over me everyday. I cannot wait for the day that I can join all of my babies in heaven. I know that they went to heaven to make preparations for my arrival, the same way I was making preparations for Jennyfur’s. 9/12/10. I suffered yet another loss. I knew deep inside that I was pregnant but I wasn’t letting it known to anyone (even my fiance) until I went to the doctor.. my appointment was scheduled for 9/20/10 …on the 12th I started feeling a lot of pain .. I knew again what that meant so I headed to the hospital & texted my fiance (who was stationed in Texas) to tell him I was headed to the doctor and that I was having a miscarriage… this came as a shock to him since he had no idea I was even pregnant. We talked about it and decided together to name our sweet child…. Baby Bean … My fiance deployed Jan 10th 2011… I found out Jan 18th,2011 that once again… we were expecting… I was more terrified than excited because I knew that I still had an IUD in and what my chances of another miscarriage were. I wanted so badly to tell him that we were pregnant but before I ever got the chance… I ended up in the hospital on Jan 20th with severe pains… well… I had all reason to be terrified… it was an ectopic pregnancy! When I did finally get to talk to him the next day I not only had to tell him that I was pregnant but I had to tell him that the baby was gone… and most recently, my fiance came home for 3 weeks in Jan 2012… we really were trying one more time to see if maybe God felt it would finally be our time to have a lil one. I Found out early Feb that I was in fact pregnant.. due Oct 23 2012. We were so excited. Feb 15, 2012 I woke up bleeding so I ran to the ER to find out… once again… Ectopic! I am crushed! Right now I am just trying to grasp the concept that again I have another precious angel. We named this sweet angel- Poppy. The pain of all my losses has been hard, especially Jennyfur and Baby Bean and Poppy but it has made me a stronger person and I cherish the time I do have with my living babies!
{Site Creator’s note: this was shared at our Facebook page, and it got such an enormous response that I am sharing this here, exactly as it was passed on to me.}
Real Meaning of Mothers Day By:
~Kara L.C. Jones~
“… let women now leave all that may be left of home for a great and earnest day of counsel. Let them meet first, as women, to bewail and commemorate the dead…” ~Julia Ward Howe, Bosto…n, 1870
Mothers Day certainly stinks if your child is dead. In fact all holidays usually stink, but especially Mothers and Fathers Days which seem to be just made-up, hallmark-driven, commercial entities — those especially stink. I never had the energy to delve further than hallmark to learn about Mothers Day, never knew where it came from, nor why it is still celebrated with no sense of the tradition being mentioned.
Well, this year, to my surprise, I got a history lesson. A group of women on our small island decided that they didn’t want to celebrate and contribute to the capitalistic hallmark economy this year. They wanted to protest against violence. They wanted to express their maternal feelings for ALL children of any race, nationality, religion, gender, alive or dead. And they wanted to honor the power of that expression. So here in our little piece (peace) of earth, there was a parade, a small festival-atmosphere gathering at Ober Park lawn and playground. And they were spreading the ORIGINAL MEANING OF MOTHERS DAY AS JULIA WARD HOWE WROTE ABOUT IT AND ORIGINALLY VISIONED IT!!!!!!
What???? When they told me about this endeavor, I was so intrigued that Mothers Day had a real and meaningful history. I still was not able to bring myself to march with them and celebrate with all their beautiful, living children playing while I was smarting at the heart, grieving my dead son and my motherhood lost. BUT I had a much greater appreciation for Mothers Day, for history, for taking a stand against violence and war to save the world’s children. And here’s why:
In 1870, Julia Ward Howe wrote and published a protest against the carnage and violence of the Civil War — this was a protest led by WOMEN WHO HAD LOST THEIR SONS!!!!! It was bereaved mothers who started this!!!! Hallmark is WAY OFF the mark with the way this holiday is commercialized and propagated now, BUT in the beginning, this was a day of protest, an expression of horrified grief from bereaved mothers who were parted from their sons!! Wow. Okay. That’s a different spin.
So what did Julia have to say back in 1870? You read and see for yourself: Arise, then, women of this day! Arise all women who have hearts, whether our baptism be that of water or of fears!
Say firmly: “We will not have great questions decided by irrelevant agencies. Our husbands shall not come to us, reeking with carnage, for caresses and applause. Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn all that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy and patience.
We women of one country will be too tender of those of another country to allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs. From the bosom of the devastated earth a voice goes up with our own. It says “Disarm, Disarm! The sword of murder is not the balance of justice.”
Blood does not wipe our dishonor nor violence indicate possession. As men have often forsaken the plow and the anvil at the summons of war, let women now leave all that may be left of home for a great and earnest day of counsel. Let them meet first, as women, to bewail and commemorate the dead.
Let them then solemnly take counsel with each other as to the means whereby the great human family can live in peace, each bearing after their own time the sacred impress, not of Caesar, but of God.
In the name of womanhood and of humanity, I earnestly ask that a general congress of women without limit of nationality may be appointed and held at some place deemed most convenient and at the earliest period consistent with its objects, to promote the alliance of the different nationalities, the amicable settlement of international questions, the great and general interests of peace.
Julia Ward Howe Boston 1870
HELLO!!!!???????? Mothers Day came as an answer to Julia’s proclamation. It started as a ceremony of bereavement and then as a movement for peace and action to stop the senseless deaths of children everywhere. Our society can commercialize all they want. Because in my heart of hearts I know the real meaning of this day came from pain, loss, and grief — the same things I feel on any given Mothers Day. And from now on, when people urge me to celebrate the day, I will tell them this:
”I’ll celebrate with you as long as you will first mourn with me. It is the combination of the two that lends itself to the true meaning of Mothers Day!”
{And a THANK YOU Marybeth Pavese O’Donnell for sharing this at stillbirthday!}
Pregnancy and infant loss mothers, stillbirthday wants your feedback.
May is Pregnancy Awareness Month here in the US, and so we here at stillbirthday would like to know, what have been the best – and worst – pregnancy resources that prepared you with loss information prior to your loss (so, while you were pregnant), and/or supported you during or after your loss. If the resources you utilized while pregnant ever broached the subject of loss, we want to know about it – and how well they measured up!
To clarify: this survey is about the pregnancy resources you’ve ever used – not pregnancy loss resources. How well did your pregnancy resources inform you about pregnancy loss?
To participate, please let us know about any resource within the following categories:
Pregnancy Books – BEST support
gave accurate facts, linked to support resources
Pregnancy Books – WORST support
gave poor statistics and very little information
Pregnancy Blogs – BEST support
felt connected, author was compassionate, linked to support resources
Pregnancy Blogs – WORST support
didn’t address loss at all or did so in a confusing and unsupportive way
Pregnancy Facebook Pages/Groups- BEST support
felt connected, page owner was compassionate, linked to support resources
Pregnancy Facebook Pages/Groups - WORST support
didn’t address loss at all or did so in a confusing and unsupportive way
Pregnancy Websites – BEST support
gave accurate facts, linked to support resources
Pregnancy Websites – WORST support
gave poor statistics and very little information
Pregnancy/Birth Methods – BEST support
instructor/method gave accurate facts, linked to support resources – do NOT submit the name of your personal instructor, only the name of the birth method/class
Pregnancy/Birth Methods – WORST support
instructor/method gave poor statistics and very little information – do NOT submit the name of your personal instructor, only the name of the birth method/class
You can submit as many votes as you’d like, for as many categories as you’d like. Just leave a comment below, making sure you articulate which catories your votes belong to. At the end of the month, I will fill in the categories so we can see which pregnancy resourses have the best- or the worst – pregnancy and infant loss support!
Her mother would be waking early in the morning, to pack her a lunch and place her items carefully in a brown paper bag, folding the top over, and placing a heart sticker on the outside of the bag.
Her mother would tuck the brown paper sack into the pink, glittery back pack.
Her mother would help her pick out blue jeans with a pretty multi-colored butterfly pattern along the seam, and a purple shirt to match.
This mother would brush her daughter’s dark brown hair and tie it in pigtails with bright green hair ties.
She would see her daughter off to school, kissing her forehead and telling her that she loves her.
After school, the little girl would come bounding up the front steps, pigtails bouncing, holding a small plastic cup with a small, budding flower in it, just for her mother, with a heart scribbled in red on the outside of the cup.
“Happy Mother’s Day!” she’d say, as her mother would open the screen door, scoop up her daughter, and hug her in thankfulness.
That night, this mother would run her daughter a bubble bath, wash her hair with strawberry shampoo, and lay out Snow White panties and Cinderella pajamas.
The mother would brush her daughter’s dark, soft hair and the two of them would giggle together over something only mothers and little girls giggle about.
After the mother finished reading her a Bible story, turned on the princess night light, and tucked her into bed, she would go to the kitchen sink to finish washing the dishes, where the new flower, sitting on the window ledge above the kitchen sink, would cause her to stop and smile.
The very first Mother’s Day gift her daughter ever brought home from school.
Instead, she goes grocery shopping, and places the bags in the back seat of her car, where a booster seat with purple flowers on it and cookie crumblies crunched into it should be.
Instead, the refridgerator door is bare and shiny where sheets of beautiful scribbly artwork should be.
Instead, three feet above the floor level, the walls are all perfectly clean, where tiny smudgy fingerprints should be.
Instead of joining MOPS, she joins a support group.
Instead of calling her daughter’s Brownie leader, she emails her bereavement mentee.
Instead of going through her daughter’s bookbag to find a worksheet with a shiny gold star, and carefully placing the worksheet in a scrapbook for her daughter to treasure and to pass down to her own children someday, she opens her tiny shoebox sized container of items saved from the day her beautiful daughter was born…the day her beautiful daughter died.
Instead of dreaming of passing down her wedding dress to her daughter, she opens the tiny ziploc bag that holds her daughter’s first blanket, and quickly, she breaths deeply, trying to capture and remember every last detail of her daughter, before tightly shutting the bag again.
Instead of teaching her daughter how to write her name, she reads her daughter’s obituary.
Instead of her daughter bringing her flowers from school…
the mother….brings flowers….to her daughter.
While she wouldn’t have quite been six yet, this article is inspired by Mary Beth and her mother, Bambi. Bambi is a stillbirthday mentor and gave permission to use this photo to contribute to honoring all loss moms who’ve been walking this path of life after loss for years. For those mothers who’ve endured bereavement for years, stillbirthday honors you.
I was walking through the cemetery near my home in Kentucky recently and saw the tombstone of a child who was born and died on the same day. There was a stuffed Valentine’s Day bear sitting beside the grave. I stopped walking and began to cry; imagining the pain and heartbreak of the parents of that baby. My own brother is also buried in that same cemetery. I walk by his tombstone day after day and I always look over at it; even though I try not to… The tombstone is a pinkish color so it’s hard to miss. Inscribed on the stone are the words ‘Forever in our Hearts’. My mother married at a very young age. She was only fifteen. She was only sixteen when she gave birth to her first baby; a boy she named after my father ‘Donald’. Anyway, when Donnie was only a few months old, my father came home from work to find my mother napping and my brother dead. My parents were told that their baby son died of SIDS. There was no other explanation. My mother put him down for his nap and he never woke up. I can’t even begin to imagine how my mother processed such a tragic loss; especially at such a young age. I can’t imagine waking up from a nap to find my baby dead. I can’t imagine… Sadly, my parents did not even have the money to bury their dead baby; my brother I never had the chance to meet and know. My Mammaw (mother’s mother) bought a burial plot so my parents were able to bury their baby properly. (My Mammaw is buried near him now. They are in Heaven together.) As I read through so many stories of loss on this site, I have been reminded of the loss of the brother I never knew. Back when this tragedy happened, there was no internet with loss web sites like this one. There was really no help at all; no place a mother or father could turn for help with their grief and heartbreak. My mother had to internalize her pain and find a way to go on. She does not talk about Donnie but I’m sure she thinks about him and ‘remembers’ on his birthday, death day and on Mother’s Day…
Now, my mammaw, she gave birth to five children but only two survived; my mom and her older brother (who passed away about six years ago). My mammaw miscarried one baby that was so tiny, she buried the baby in a large matchbox. The baby was buried on their farm. She also gave birth to another son and daughter; Russell and Sarah. Sarah was still- born and Russell died at 18 months. I did not realize that Russell was 18 months old when he died. I thought he was born dead like Sarah. My heart broke when mom told me he was one and a half when he died. He was walking and talking… he had the flu and the doctor gave him the wrong medicine. I can’t imagine… Sarah and Russell are buried near Donnie and Mammaw. They are all in Heaven together. Mammaw has been reunited with all of her children now except for my mom.
My mammaw lost her own mother when she was just a young girl. She raised her two brothers. Her life was so difficult but you would never have known it from the way she carried herself and reached out to others, always helping others when she was in need herself. She taught first and second grade up until I was in junior high school (the mid-seventies). She gave to others when she was in need herself. That was ‘normal’ to me and what I was taught we are to do. I can remember her always saying no matter how difficult any circumstance “God takes care of His own”. She was truly a woman of God. I’m so thankful for a godly heritage that came down through my precious mammaw. I learned so much from her about God, about life and about how to love others more than myself.
I’m sharing my story as part of my healing process. I delivered my still born baby, Simon Jared just this April 20, 2012. Just two weeks ago. I was on my 32nd week when I was advised to get a Congenital Anomaly test because my doctor finds my baby a little small for his age. On April 2, my husband and I left the house before 8am so we can get to the clinic early and be home before noon time as we work during the night shift. The doctor arrived late and so even if we were one of the few who arrived early, we got to the ultrasound room at almost noon time. After the ultrasound was done, the Sonologist told us that my baby had several abnormalities. We were told that one foot was clubbed, that the baby seems to have dwarfism and that he has water in his brain. And he also was in breech position. We were asked to go back to the clinic two days after as the Sonologist would like to seek a second opinion. We were too overwhelmed with the results that we heard that we couldn’t react right away. It was only when we got inside the car that it all sank in. I was just crying and crying for hours. I know my husband felt so bad as well but he had to be the the strong one at that moment. I asked all my 5 siblings to go to my house immediately because I just need all the support I could get. And that’s exactly what I got. That night, before we went to bed, my husband and I prayed. We didn’t exactly know what to pray for, but we just prayed for strength and direction. The following day, we went to our church and we talked to the assistant pastor and his wife. They prayed with us and over us. We attended the prayer meeting that night and our head pastor and his wife prayed for us, as well. We prayed for a miracle. For all abnormalities to just be healed by God for all these sickness do not come from Him. Two days after, we went to the clinic again to get the result. This time we had peace in our hearts and were more ready to get the worst news. We were expecting to just get the printed result and an explanation from the doctor. However, when we got there the Sonologist conducted another ultrasound test with another colleague around. After that, they confirmed that my baby has a Cystic Hygroma at the back of his neck along with the previous findings. So we asked the doctor what we can do about the my baby’s condition. She then told us that the baby is not fit to live. The baby may die in my womb, or after I give birth. The result that we got only stretched our faith further. We continued to pray for a miracle although at some point, my husband and I were also open to the possibility of God taking our baby back. After all when we learned about my pregnancy, we offered our baby to God right away. We dedicated him to God. So if God gave us a son, He’s the only one who can take it back as well. When I visited my OB, we showed her the result. And being a Christian herself, she was hopeful that the results will be negative when my baby actually comes out. As she had previous experiences before when ultrasound results/interpretation did not come out very accurate. However when she asked me to lie down for the usual check up, she couldn’t hear my baby’s heartbeat. She took a good 15-20 mins of trying to look for it but there was just none. So she asked to get another ultrasound. And true enough, when I had another ultrasound check, it was confirmed that my baby no longer has any heartbeat. My baby expired inside my womb. That was April 14, 2012. When I got home, I asked all my siblings to go to my house again. They mourned with me. My husband called my doctor to inform her about the result because she was out of town that day. My husband asked if she can induce labor for me asap so as not to prolong my emotional agony. But my doctor advised that I’ll need to wait for me to go on labor naturally because if she induces labor, it might be too painful for me because the baby has not really moved really low to my abdomen. She also assured me that I should be fine as it would take as long as 2 months before a dead fetus can be toxic to the body. So for the next four days, I was just at home together with my husband, resting. On the 18th of April, I started to experience slight contractions. But the contractions were irregular yet. So for the next two days while my husband is at work my sister would accompany me at home. On Friday, April 20 the contractions became a little more painful than the last two days. I told my husband about it and we informed by OB about it. She asked us to go to her clinic so she can check if my cervix is already fully dilated. And when she checked it, she told me it was already open by 4cm. So she told to me to go to the hospital right away. Before we left, my husband instructed my OB not to show me my baby anymore. He knew that if I see my baby, it will only add up to my emotional hurt and will extend my sadness. As much as possible he wants me to have less attachment to my baby so I can move on as fast as I could. It was already past 7pm when we left her clinic. I got into the labor room probably past 9pm already. I only labored for a little over an hour. When the baby came out, as expected the legs came out first. And I saw my baby’s very tiny foot. Contrary to what we were told that one foot was clubbed, it was not. It took quite awhile for me to let my baby’s head out because of the Cystic Hygroma. At 11:22pm of April 20, Simon Jared left his temporary home of 34 weeks and went to his eternal home in heaven. 14 days has passed and not a single day that I would not cry over my baby’s demise. Although I couldn’t be happier that he was spared from the troubles of this world, still I am mourning over the loss of my first born. Most of the time, I wouldn’t want my husband to see me cry because he get’s very concerned and worried about me. All these time, he has been my constant support and encouragement apart from God. Our families have also been there to support us through prayers and encouragement. I must say that God have been very faithful to me and my husband all through out the last 3 weeks of agony. It was indeed a faith building experience for us. Because even if we did not understand why we had to go through such experience why God took our son that early, we know in our hearts that “the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.” Job 1:21 In preparation for my delivery, we saved up a good amount of money. But because of what happened, we only got to spend a little over half of our savings. So in loving memory of my baby, I bought a new couch using the remaining amount of our savings and called it: Jared’s Chair. My husband have been telling me that our story is a success story in the sense that we just surrendered everything to God. And that our story will also be an encouragement and blessing to others. I hope that those who read my story will be blessed and encouraged by our good Lord.
Important note: there is no ‘one right way’ to grieve, or to interpret your own loss. This giveaway challenge is specifically for the parents who have had early losses, who also feel that something has been missing in their grief journey. If you’ve ever felt you wanted to share more about your loss but didn’t, perhaps you might be encouraged by this opportunity. This challenge is certainly not meant to discredit your feelings if you are, in fact, OK with the ways you’ve shared or with your – or others’ – interpretation of your loss. It can be very scary to reach out and reveal more about ourselves or to seek to change things for other loss mothers after us, but if you have ever felt a nagging desire that things were different in your own experience, know that you aren’t alone, and we can do this together.
“Miscarriages are labor, miscarriages are birth. To consider them less dishonors the woman whose womb has held life, however briefly.”
~Kathryn Miller Ridiman, Midwifery Today 1997
Although much improvement has still to be made in regard to providing compassionate, comprehensive care to families who’ve lost children to stillbirth, even more is lacking for families who’ve experienced the loss of our children through miscarriage.
Miscarriage is quickly dismissed, even among the most pro-life, religious, and even the most compassionate of people. Why is this?
It is because of a number of things - a few of which, though, actually lay right at the responsbility of the families who’ve lost these children. That’s right – even I take responsibility.
Have you done any of the following:
Waited to share the news of your pregnancy with others until you “knew” things would be more official? Was there a pregnancy week or developmental milestone you wanted to make sure the baby reached before sharing the news? Was it so that you didn’t have to burden people with the awkward news of taking the joy back? Was it so that, just in case things “went wrong”, you wouldn’t have to explain it to anyone? Setting up your support system by telling the good news to even just one trustworthy person places you in a position of receiving the care you deserve – in case things do “go wrong”.
Kept the news of your miscarriage quiet? Did you move on into “silent grief” believing that others wouldn’t understand what you were enduring?
Shared the news of your loss by saying that it was not a loss at all, but some other clinical, non-emotional event such as an “incident”, “accident” or “medical issue”?
Shared the news of your loss by saying “I had a miscarriage”? This immediately – and very incorrectly – gives the person you are speaking with the impression that it was an event – a sudden event - that occured in the past and is now over. They do not interpret this news with nearly the amount of the emotional, spiritual or even the physical reality that takes place. Did you know that there are more validating ways to explain what happened? Try one of these instead:
I gave birth to my miscarried baby last April.
My miscarried baby was born last year.
I have five children; four in the house, and one in heaven.
I gave birth to five children – one by miscarriage.
5. Shared the news of your loss by saying “I had a stillbirth?” Particularly if you had a “late miscarriage” that was closer to the earliest stillbirth weeks (say, at 17 weeks on or so), referring to your loss as a stillbirth as opposed to a miscarriage may allow you to receive a little more of the support you deserve, but it doesn’t do anything to help out other mothers who’ve lost their children by miscarriage, and in short, you really are taking away from your own care, because it ought to align with the reality of your own unique experience.
6. Told how many children you have - without including the miscarried one(s)? Some mothers are completely confident in the truth that they gave birth to a miscarried baby without feeling reservations in not sharing it with others – and that is fine. But this challenge for this giveaway is for mothers who do feel a sting, an awkwardness, a pull to share, when they hesitantly refrain from telling others about their losses. If you’ve ever felt uncomfortable about not including the total number of children you have, perhaps now is a time to consider just trying it out.
I gave birth to my miscarried son on April 19, 2011. Stillbirthday is in fact, his legacy – because I realized in all certainty through my experience that a pregnancy loss is in fact still a birthday. It is still a birth – I labored, I prepared to meet him, and he was born. It is still a birthday – it is an event that is marked in my life annually and permanently. His birthday nears and I don’t go shopping to wrap books and toys in blue paper with green ribbons, but his stillbirthday nears and I reflect on the short time I was given with him, and what being pregnant with him meant – personally and eternally, holding his life, nurturing his tiny body as his baby heart flickered and his tiny toes developed and his tiny features changed in supernatural magnificence that only God could be the author and designer of. Yes, my son mattered, and my son matters still.
I take this challenge with my fellow sisters and friends of heartbreak – those who’ve lost children by miscarriage. Let us change the language we use and let us honor our children even better.
If you saw yourself in any of the above six examples, please, step out now and boldly proclaim that you will make a change. Leave a comment at the end of this article, sharing what you will do differently. You don’t have to go into personal details – just say ”Today, I am going to (do this differently).” Those brave mothers (and fathers) who step out to determine to speak differently about our losses will be entered to win an amazing book by author Elizabeth Petrucelli. This giveaway contest will run from May 1, 2012, to May 31, 2012. The winner will be announced at our Facebook page on June 1. Please enter a valid email address.
“All That is Seen and Unseen” is a raw, intimate account of a mother facing the most important and critical crossroads of her entire life – attaining her professional dream, or, embracing the gift of new motherhood for the second time. Elizabeth – a mother and a doula – takes us through the most personal of her experiences to show us the universal truth that a pregnancy loss - at any stage – is still the death of a child.
In this book, Elizabeth shares some of her most intimate journal entries as she recounts the events that surrounded the discovery of her pregnancy, the fears she harbored, the concerns she had, and the feelings she experienced. She takes us back to her childhood and the obstacles she faced with PCOS, including depression, terrible side effects of treatment, the challenges from her insurance company, the struggles within her marriage, to, after five years of obstacles, the birth of her first son, Joey.
Elizabeth poignantly shares her most intimate thoughts through her first trimester pregnancy and loss:
Would she kill this baby with her regret?
Underneath her regret, she expresses that there was something even more pervading – fear. Fear of connecting with this baby – fear of losing this baby.
She shares about the pride and astonishment (both hers and her husbands) at the victory of obtaining a pregnancy without the use of fertility treatment.
Would the baby be able to rekindle what was lost in their marriage?
Would she be able to have the homebirth she dreamed of?
Sensing that her baby was in danger, Elizabeth desperately and passionately strived to provide her baby with everything she could to increase the likelihood of survival.
She believed others would think she was irrational if she shared her fears with them.
How would her son, Joey, handle the news of the death of his sister?
This amazing, powerful, personal book shows that a mother bonds immediately with her preborn baby, even when the mother faces a crossroads and is challenged to her core at the news of a positive pregnancy. It shows that everything about the mother’s life is impacted when she discovers she is pregnant: she makes changes to her environment, her health, her workplace, her dreams for her future – everything in her life is touched by the reality of the presence of her tiny, growing baby.
Through her pregnancy and loss experiences, Elizabeth shows us what is gained in pregnancy, and what is lost when the baby dies – even when the baby dies in the first trimester.
This book also covers:
how fathers are also immediately impacted at the news of pregnancy
the difference between grief and depression
the difference in grief reactions from men and women
the impact of grief on physical health
the challenges to marriage that pregnancy loss can bring
the impact of pregnancy, and loss, on children / older siblings
the short term and long term positives and negatives of miscarrying naturally versus giving birth via D&C
the employment / professional challenges that mothers can face from a pregnancy loss
the secret feelings that a newly bereaved loss mother may face toward herself and others
the challenges to faith that pregnancy loss can bring
the impact of pregnancy, and loss, on extended family / relatives and how they react
the importance of taking care of your emotional health through the experience of loss, including helpful tips and ideas
the emotional, spiritual, and physical long term effects of pregnancy loss
If you would like a chance to win this book, you can do so by participating in our giveaway opportunity! If you saw yourself in any of the six examples at the very top of this article, please, leave a comment below, stating the opportunity you have found today to speak differently about your pregnancy or your loss. You don’t have to go into personal details – just say “Today, I am going to (do this differently).”
Examples include:
“I am going to find at least one special person I can trust to share the news with about this pregnancy, even though it is early.”
“Just today, I am going to share (maybe post on my Facebook page or some other way), that I gave birth to my miscarried baby on (date).”
“Today, I am not going to say that my loss was a stillbirth, but that I gave birth via miscarriage.”
“More often, I am going to include all of my children when asked how many I have.”
“When I speak about my loss, I will utilize opportunities to validate that it was a birth and a death, not an incident or procedure.”
“I am going to (finally) tell someone that I have given birth to a miscarried baby (I’ve never told anyone about it before).” *
*Please know that stillbirthday is a safe place to share your experience. Just use our Share Your Story link for details.
Those brave mothers (and fathers) who step out to determine to speak differently and help shift the paradigm surrounding miscarriage will be entered to win this amazing book by Elizabeth Petrucelli.
Click here to learn more about the book and the author.
A full term pregnancy lasts approximately 280 days.
Childbirth, for a first time mother, lasts approximately 24-36 hours. It lasts even less for subsequent births.
Breastfeeding lasts approximately 3 years per child at the outmost, but studies continue to show that it lasts approximately 6 months to a year per child.
Co-sleeping lasts anywhere from weeks to a handful of years.
These are all topics at the forefront of pregnancy and birth education, in books, classes, and in online discussions.
Pregnancy loss lasts a lifetime.
And it is not talked about.
If you run a pregnancy or birth blog, Facebook page, or class, it is important for you to begin discussing this topic.
I understand that you might be afraid. You might be worried that you don’t have experience on the topic, you don’t know how to start talking about it, and you don’t want to scare pregnant mothers.
I understand.
There is a way to work around these things, and still prepare your readers or your audience. These mothers deserve to be prepared.
Here are some tips and things you can present:
1. “Now that you are pregnant, what do you say/do for a friend who experiences pregnancy loss?”
This is the easiest way to introduce the subject. It takes the fear of loss off of the mother, but lets her find a place to share about something she may have already experienced in her pregnancy: her friend, sister, co-worker or neighbor may have experienced a loss while she was pregnant. Stillbirthday addresses this important situation, and provides support for the pregnant mother on how to respond to her grieving friend. Please visit our “Friends/Family” link, and scroll down to the section that gives these mothers this useful information. Alternatively, read this article from Brio Birth – a very popular, all-encompassing pregnancy resource site. They have broached the subject of pregnancy loss from the perspective of “What to do When a Friend Experiences Pregnancy Loss.”
2. “Has anyone here ever had a pregnancy loss before?”
This uncovers the secret community of heartbroken mothers right within the community you already have established. It brings you closer to them – it addresses the reality they carry alone. It brings them closer to each other, and helps them support one another.
3. “How can a pregnancy loss be respected and treated like the birth that it is?”
This lifts the taboo. It addresses the issue head-on, while placing the job of creativity on the mothers. In so doing, it lets them see that loss is tragic, but talking about it isn’t scary. It helps them to see their peers – those who’ve experienced loss – as mothers. It helps them to know that no matter what happens, today, tomorrow, or ever, they are in fact, mothers. It will let them come back to you later, if they ever do experience a loss, and thank you as they remember you being a place that had already spoken of the truth they experienced.
How often should you talk about loss?
If you are a blog writer, cover an article on loss once every six months or so; this will increase the likelihood that any mother will find it during the time that she is pregnant.
If you are a Facebook page owner, cover a discussion on loss once every three months or so; pages tend to move much more quickly than blogs, and this will also increase the chance that any mother will find it during the time that she is pregnant.
For additional information on discussing this topic, please view our article entitled Poor Prenatal Preparation.
