She Brings Light

Told by: Angie

When I was 18 I got pregnant. My husband (boyfriend then) joined the Navy so we could afford to feed baby. While he was in boot camp I lost our baby. We got married when he came back on leave and a few months later I found out I was pregnant again. By the next ultrasound the baby’s heart had stopped beating. This kept happening over the years. Once I did not even know I was pregnant. I went into the ER because of the pain and random bleeding that had started. I think I knew what was happening but I didn’t want to believe it.
April 2008 we decided to try one last time. We planned it out, tried, conceived and were thrilled. First appointment went well. Our baby was growing and I felt great. We moved to another state very quickly with the navy and when I went in for my next appointment the baby had died. I went into labor that night and delivered our little 12 week baby. We were done. Both of us sank into a despair that I thought we would not come out of.

After a few months we decided we were done with it all and started to plan our divorce. I managed to pack up all the baby things we had collected over the years and donate them. Then two months later I got pregnant again. This time it worked! I gave birth to the prettiest, toughest, most happy baby I have ever seen. She is one of a kind and the light of my life! She really is the beautiful rainbow after the storm.

After all these years I can finally let go of the sadness. Thank you for providing a place to do that.

This is my sunshine on her first day in the world and now three years later.

sunshine1

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BIRTH & BEREAVEMENT QUOTES
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She was a genius of sadness, immersing herself in it, separating its numerous strands, appreciating its subtle nuances. She was a prism through which sadness could be divided into its infinite spectrum.

— Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything Is Illuminated

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.

— C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

I am strong.

— January, founder of Birth Without Fear

When someone you love dies, and you’re not expecting it, you don’t lose her all at once; you lose her in pieces over a long time—the way the mail stops coming, and her scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in her closet and drawers. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of her that are gone. Just when the day comes—when there’s a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that she’s gone, forever—there comes another day, and another specifically missing part.

— John Irving, A Prayer for Owen Meany

They say time heals all wounds, but that presumes the source of the grief is finite.

— Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince
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