The Not Knowing

Told by: LC

I think I was pregnant once. I felt sick constantly for two weeks and my whole body felt strange. I experienced nausea whenever there was food in my stomach and sometimes even when I hadn’t eaten anything at all. In those two weeks I felt bound by a torment, not only because I was physically sick but I was living with the uncertainty that I was carrying my first child and that I could not keep it. Eventually I bled and knew that I wasn’t pregnant but there’s no other way to explain what I experienced. I thought feeling sick was torment but not knowing what happened to me and possibly my baby is the true hell.

Since I will never know if I lost a baby, I will never be able to mourn.

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BIRTH & BEREAVEMENT QUOTES
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She was a genius of sadness, immersing herself in it, separating its numerous strands, appreciating its subtle nuances. She was a prism through which sadness could be divided into its infinite spectrum.

— Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything Is Illuminated

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.

— C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

I am strong.

— January, founder of Birth Without Fear

When someone you love dies, and you’re not expecting it, you don’t lose her all at once; you lose her in pieces over a long time—the way the mail stops coming, and her scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in her closet and drawers. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of her that are gone. Just when the day comes—when there’s a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that she’s gone, forever—there comes another day, and another specifically missing part.

— John Irving, A Prayer for Owen Meany

They say time heals all wounds, but that presumes the source of the grief is finite.

— Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince
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