Yearning for Hope

Told by: Sabrina

My daughter was born sleeping at 32 weeks on October 6, 2012.

We named her Zayra Rayne she weighed 4lbs 4 oz and was 18 1/2 inches long.

I posted my story about my daughter under the 32 weeks page. Sadly this was not the end of our disastrous 2 years. 6 months after we lost out daughter, we decided to try again. The doctor gave us the go ahead but warned this pregnancy would have more tests so we could try to prevent another sleeping baby. I got pregnant that month, we were so happy this was going to be our rainbow baby.

I had blood work down 4 times a week to check my HCG levels to ensure they were rising like they should. At 8 weeks I began to bleed, we called the doctor and we were told to come right now.

We had an ultrasound done and to our horror our child had passed away at 6 weeks. I decided that I would let my body do the natural thing and have my child at home. I was in pain,it felt as though I was having contractions that night at 9 p.m. I gave birth to our daughter whom we named Deona Marie. The next day the doctors confirmed my baby was no longer there.

My doctor would later inform me that he knew I would miscarry because my HCG levels stopped rising at 6 weeks. 2 months later I became pregnant once again, it was our little surprise but we were ecstatic and scared. I had blood work done 3 times a week my HCG was rising great. I had every symptom in the book. I went to the doctors for my 8 week check up, I had to go alone because my husband had to work. During the ultrasound I saw my babies little legs and arms sadly I also saw that my baby did not have a heartbeat.

He had passed away the day before. We named him Ace Hope. The doctor told us we should do an emergency D&C because he wanted to know why this happened. I reluctantly agreed. The tests showed nothing, we still do not know why this has happened 3 times in a row.

I am unable to comprehend why this is occurring to us. All I wanted was a baby to hold and love to be ours; and it can not happen. I have no hope left.

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BIRTH & BEREAVEMENT QUOTES
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I would not undo his existence just to undo my pain.

Our dead are never dead to us, until we have forgotten them.

— George Eliot

Much more than pro-life or pro-choice, I am pro-healing.

— an SBD Doula

I had seen birth and death but had thought they were different.

— T.S. Eliot

Since the day of my birth, my death began its walk. It is walking toward me, without hurrying.

— Jean Cocteau
«    1 of 16    »


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