Told by: Sarah

My heart is at peace and also saddened all at the same time…….. Our hope for this Mother’s Day was to shout some happy news, but instead our news is not so happy. On March 4th, I found out that my husband and I were expecting another child. All seemed to be going well, and we went to the doctor last Friday. First stop was the ultra sound. Our first 100% confirmation of this little life being formed inside me was evident, but what was not, was movement. The ultrasound tech didn’t say much of anything, just sent us back to the doctor’s office. We patiently sat awaiting any news. The doctor came in and was friendly, but she got straight to the point. What we were there for….Was our baby healthy and alive?

Although we had hope that it was, much to our disappointment, it was not. The baby stopped developing at 11 weeks and I was 13. There was no heartbeat. She reassured us there was nothing we did wrong, maybe the doctors weren’t 100% accurate and they make mistakes, but to her it seemed hopeless.

She gave us a few minutes to process and came back in with news from another doctor. “It is hopeless, the baby is gone.” What a dagger to the heart. And yet peace swept over me all at the same time.

I immediately knew right where my baby was….In the arms of my Savior and Lord. He WAS healthy and alive! The doctor gave us the options of allowing the actual miscarriage to take place at home, they could give me medicine to speed up the process or they could put me under and perform a procedure to clear out my uterus. I knew there was no way I was going to MAKE this happen. After all, my God is a God of miracles and He can do anything should it be His will. After a week of more evidence of the life inside me losing the battle, I began cramping and bleeding Thursday night. I knew the miscarriage was imminent, but the cramping stopped and I was able to sleep through most of the night. I woke yesterday morning feeling good. I got up and started doing my normal morning routine. I got my girls up and we started the day. After moving around, things started up again. And by 11 am, my fear was becoming a reality. Trying to stay strong and put on a happy face for my girls while going through pain and knowing what was about to happen was so hard. I was able to get the girls fed and put down for their nap and come 1:00 pm, things were rapidly happening. My mother in law was able to come help with the process and about 3:45 pm, the life that was once inside me, no longer was. An instant wave of grief swept over me as we picked up this lifeless baby.

Tears flowing from my eyes, I knew I still wanted the chance to hold my child in my hands. I was asked if I was sure and I knew I was. I needed to see, hold and tell my baby, “Mommy loves you.” I did and again peace… a reminder of the pain and suffering my child will not have to face in this world. For that I am grateful, but yet I remembered all the things I will not get to experience. No wiping tears, hearing a little voice say, “I love you mommy,” no kissing scrapes on knees, no bedtime stories, no hugs, and the list goes on and on. I knew I wanted to know what this little baby was and I asked if we would be able to tell. I looked and I saw and again…..peace.

We miscarried in December and we were hoping for a little boy then. A couple days after my miscarriage, my devotional was talking about how we need to let God do His work in our lives and to be patient, not force things and trust Him. That Abraham and Sarah had to wait a really long time for what they wanted most…..a son.

Tears streaming from my eyes, I knew that was God’s promise that I would one day have a little boy. I felt Him reassure me in that promise when I found out I was pregnant again. More confirmation came when people would find out that we were expecting and every one of them would say, “It’s a boy.” My confirmation was there. And I KNEW God had fulfilled His promise. He just never promised I’d get to keep my son. I could only rejoice in the promise God had kept and I immediately knew that God was laying a name on my heart. Jeron Robert was who this baby was. “He will sing” and “bright fame” is what it means. He IS SINGING with his two other brothers and sisters that were there to meet him. And he is and will live up to his bright fame. I had started rationalizing, questioning, searching for answers as to why.

My mother in law reassured me that I did nothing wrong and maybe there was something wrong with the baby. After closer examination of this beautiful little baby boy, we realized that he had 12 fingers and 11 toes. God knew and my body knew that there could have and would have been complications later in his life. But in our eyes and God’s he is still perfect. My father told my best…..he said, “with all those extra fingers and toes, he can do God’s work even faster.” What a sentiment…. and again tears.

I don’t understand it all, but I am so grateful that I was able to carry Jeron inside of me for 14 weeks and to me, he is a blessing, and is still my son. I am now the mother of 5 children! Who knew? I have three already doing so much more with their lives than I could ever hope or imagine for them and two beautiful girls who have the privilege and already are doing so much here! As hard as it is to lose a child, this is still a wonderful Mother’s day for me, because I am blessed to be the mother of such amazing children. I may never know Jeron as a child, but my body and heart know him. And he will forever be a child who has changed my life so much with the short amount of time he had.

Thank you all for your love, support and prayers. As we bury our son tomorrow, we will begin the healing process knowing that although his life here is over, he is still ALIVE AND WELL!!!!! Praise God!