A Brave Girl

Told by: Sara

 

At twenty weeks my husband and I took our two oldest to the ultrasound to find out if they were going to have a baby brother or baby sister. Well to our surprise and joy it was twins a boy an a girl.

We were so happy they set up an appointment with a parineonatologist but didn’t say we needed to be any more concerned as I am high risk but everything was playas far as they could tell/see. My next appointment the world ended for me. I had decided I would go alone and for some reason I left my phone in the car too. After the ultrasound they had me go to one room then another and then I was lead to the doctors office.

The good news baby a (boy) is fine nice size healthy but baby b (girl) was VERY small, had bowing in her long bones and fluid was showing on her brain. The most concerning was the small stature and the bowing of her long bones. They were confidant with a diagnosis of a form of dwarfism. What kind they were not 100% sure of but they beloved it to be fatal. My heart sank I felt like I was falling and endless fall and no one was there to catch me it even make me breathe.

My next questions are how do we find out for sure or at least narrow it down there were some blood tests but more than likely to get the answers we NEED we needed to do a amniocentesis. I said okay lets do it now then so we’re not waiting around. So after the nurses, the technicians, the doctor and the genetic counselor tried to get me to wait till my husband could be with me I said no we are not letting a day go by that we could be doing something.

Afterwords getting home I remember my oldest was still a school my youngest was sleeping the sitter left I remember her looking at me like she wanted to ask if I was okay but knowing I wasn’t. I sat alone not knowing what to do and my husband walks in the door his smile went away almost as fast as my tears welled up in my eyes. I showed him the ultrasound pictures from that day and went over the details I the visit and we cried together. I remember us deciding not to tell anyone but my supervisor at work. Mostly because I was going to be seeing the doctor a lot more and we didn’t really know what was going to happen and or when.

We just knew that we needed to pray. That was the only thing I was capable of at times.

As doctor appointments came and went our little bundles of joy were there kicking moving hearts were beating. Our little girl stopped growing at one point (about 26 weeks) and we were given the opportunity to intervene but if we did both would have to be born they couldn’t just take her. This put our baby boy at extreme risks of prematurity as well.

And there was no guarantee that baby girl would even take a breath. But if she did she would be in pain and so would baby boy. This was something I could not do to either of my precious babies. To put them in pain on purpose just so I could have the opportunity to hold her seemed too selfish.

More doctor appointments came and went and her heart beat was still there she was tiny but hanging in there. Then she stopped making amniotic fluid. Not good but we are so close to 32 weeks where we would intervene. But she was hanging in there still 30 week mark came and she is still with us!!

Joy sheer joy I am going to meet our little girl. Time to have shots to have lungs develop etc. we went into over drive getting things we put off because we were too afraid to. The appointment came to have my first shot 31 weeks and one day. The started that appointment with an ultrasound and always did baby boy first so it was no different until the tech had to go get my doctor right then and there. He had come in and the tech went up on the upper left side of my Tummy where baby girl liked to hang out and there was no heart beat.

Tears lots of tears. The silver lining was that baby boy was not being affected and he was still on track looking good and healthy. I now had more doctor appointments. Explaining to our boys that only one baby was going to come home with us. Explaining that to family and friends. Two things were constant in my life at that point lots of tears and lots of prayers and those thing remained as constants.

On May 14 2014 my babies were born my boy came in screaming making his precious life be known. While my baby girl was silent. I could have heard a pin drop in the OR room. I believe my baby girl had a purpose in her short time with us.

She helped us turn to God when things get tough. We were able to find community within our church that we had just started going to in November. The tears and prayer have remained constant in our lives and even tho I would have loved to hold my baby girl take her home and out her in pretty pink dresses. I have my wonderful husband, my fantastic boys now 3 of them, a wonderful relationship with my church family. And I was able to say I am worthy of being a child of God. And without my baby girl I would not have the last two things in my life at this point. She is already out to rest and her memorial service is coming up and I plan on honoring her little life as much as I can. By being the best mom to my boys, the best wife to my husband and the best daughter of God that I can be.

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Protected: A Letter to my Daughters

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They Were Gone Before I Knew There Were Two

Told by: Lori

They were gone before I knew there were there… before I knew there were two. My beautiful twin babies. I went in for my first prenatal appointment at 18 weeks. I had a feeling something was wrong because my belly wasn’t growing. And I was spotting. And my heartburn had suddenly subsided weeks ago. I sat in the ultrasound room alone for 20 minutes, staring at the blank screen. I wondered what it would show. I thought about all the other women who had looked at that same screen. I thought about all the emotion-filled moments of joy and sorrow they had experienced. The midwife who greeted me was very kind and asked about my concerns. She applied the gel and waited awhile before delivering the news in a very gentle voice, “I’m looking for movement and, unfortunately, I don’t see any. I’m SO sorry… But what I do see is 2 babies”.

I was shocked and teary-eyed immediately. There were two cords and one placenta, which she confirmed meant they would’ve been identical twins. I was anxious to tell my husband the news. His mom is a twin and always wanted twin grandchildren. With 22 grandkids she never had any luck. He was shocked like me and took the news hard. It’s the first time in 10 years that I’ve seen him cry. We scheduled a 2nd ultrasound for the next day to confirm and have photos printed. We learned they died at 11weeks 3 days and 12 weeks 3 days. I thought about what I was doing back then. How could I not wonder if I had caused this? I had kept a diary of my diet and how I was feeling, and planned to check it when I got home. The ultrasound photos were so precious to us. My husband gave copies to his mom who covered her mouth in shock when she saw them. There was lots of crying and sadness, but also joy that we’ll one day see the babies again in heaven. I opted for a natural miscarriage. Two days later we got to see our twins. I had cramps for 1.5 hours that increased in severity. I got up to pee, but my husband was worried about losing the babies down the toilet. He insisted I use our portable camping potty.

After peeing I sat there a minute or two longer and felt one gush, followed by a second gush 30 seconds later. It had felt like only water had passed, but when I looked down I saw the placenta still half way inside me and one twin dangling by the umbilical cord!

I finished pushing everything out and my husband cut the cord (something he felt too squeamish about with our first child). I located the other twin (still partially inside the sac) and washed them both off. I couldn’t believe we were holding our babies in our hands. They looked so peaceful and I was glad they had each other, that they didn’t die alone. We took pictures immediately and were so thankful for the opportunity to see our babies. I had read tips about taking photos in water and those turned out especially beautiful. We were also glad to know the sex of the babies (they were boys). We named them Jonathan and Ethan.  It would’ve been so wonderful to know the them… to have them be a part of our family. They will be forever in our hearts. I wrote the attached momento for their baby book (complete with their tiny footprints).

 

1lori

 

 

I Waited, I Died, I am Healing

Told by: Judy

I tried to get pregnant for several years.

I carried twins for 4 1/2 months by in vitro fertilization and lost them.

I carried their lifeless bodies inside me for 2 weeks after knowing they were gone since my doctor was traveling overseas. I did not feel comfortable to have any other doctor take them from me so I waited. A few local hospitals kept calling me constantly for a full year asking if I was interested in their baby wellness program. I lived the horror of their deaths every time I received those calls. I kept telling the hospitals what happened but they continued to call…I felt dead inside for years.

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A Letter to My Daughters

Told by: Anonymous

Mila Isabella & Lila Elizabeth. That day keeps replaying over and over again in my head. May the 16th, 2014. The way everybody looked at me with complete remorse, the piercing sound of silence, and the feeling of complete emptiness that took over every inch of my body. I remember the way my legs collapsed beneath me and how I felt my heart sink into the pit of my stomach and the nurse handed me the lifeless bodies of my twin daughters.

The way she said “congratulations” made me feel physically ill. That word might have meant something to me if what was supposed to be the happiest day of my life hadn’t suddenly become the hardest to bear.

I felt as if the fact my daughters were never going to wake up, no matter how much I cried had completely passed her by. I felt like my grief was being somewhat trivialised. I have never felt more alone than the day I held you both in my arms and left the hospital with only unbearable pain, instead of my children. The weight of empty arms are the heaviest I have ever known. The only person I needed by my side that day was your father, but he wasn’t. I needed him then and I need him now. I regret not seeing that he loves you in his own way and for forgetting that he also lost his daughters. I regret pushing him away. I realise just how much I need him now that we are erased from each other’s lives. You, my angels will always remind me of how we so badly treated one another, I lost him that day. Time has given that pain too.

I cannot decide which is worse; the shock of what happened or the ache of what never will. I will always wonder what would have been and I will never stop missing you. There is a gap you two left which nothing will ever fill. I have cried every day since you were born and I don’t think I will ever stop. I am not the same person I once was. Child loss has changed me.

The hardest thing I have ever had to hear is that you are gone, the hardest thing I have ever had to do is live every day since then.

I love you eternally,

Mummy xxx

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These Two Are Constant

Told by: Sara

At twenty weeks my husband and I took our two oldest to the ultrasound to find out if they were going to have a baby brother or baby sister.

Well to our surprise and joy it was twins a boy an a girl. We were so happy they set up an appointment with a parineonatologist but didn’t say we needed to be any more concerned as I am high risk but everything was playas far as they could tell/see. My next appointment the world ended for me. I had decided I would go alone and for some reason I left my phone in the car too. After the ultrasound they had me go to one room then another and then I was lead to the doctors office.

The good news baby a (boy) is fine nice size healthy but baby b (girl) was VERY small, had bowing I her long bones and fluid was showing on her brain. The most concerning was the small stature and the bowing of her long bones. They were confidant with a diagnosis of a form of dwarfism. What kind they were not 100% sure of but they beloved it to be fatal. My heart sank I felt like I was falling and endless fall and no one was there to catch me it even make me breath. My next questions are how do we find out for sure or at least narrow it down there were some blood tests but more than likely to get the answers we NEED we needed to do a amniocentesis.

I said okay lets do it now then so we’re not waiting around. So after the nurses, the technicians, the doctor and the genetic counselor tried to get me to wait till my husband could be with me I said no we are not letting a day go by that we could be doing something. Afterwords getting home I remember my oldest was still a school my youngest was sleeping the sitter left I remember her looking at me like she wanted to ask if I was okay but knowing I wasn’t. I sat alone not knowing what to do and my husband walks in the door his smile went away almost as fast as my tears welled up in my eyes.

I showed him the ultrasound pictures from that day and went over the details I the visit and we cried together. I remember us deciding not to tell anyone but my supervisor at work. Mostly because I was going to be seeing the doctor a lot more and we didn’t really know what was going to happen and or when. We just knew that we needed to pray.

That was the only thing I was capable of at times.

As doctor appointments came and went our little bundles of joy were there kicking moving hearts were beating. Our little girl stopped growing at one point (about 26 weeks) and we were given the opportunity to intervene but if we did both would have to be born they couldn’t just take her. This out our baby boy at extreme risks of prematurity as well. And there was no guarantee that baby girl would even take a breath. But if she did she would be in pain and so would baby boy. This was something I could not do to either of my precious babies. To put them in pain on purpose just so I could have the opportunity to hold her seemed too selfish.

More doctor appointments came and went and her heart beat was still there she was tiny but hanging in there. Then she stopped making amniotic fluid. Not good but we are so close to 32 weeks where we would intervene.

But she was hanging in there still 30 week mark came and she is still with us!!

Joy sheer joy I am going to meet our little girl. Time to have shots to have lungs develop etc. we went into over drive getting things we put off because we were too afraid to. The appointment came to have my first shot 31 weeks and one day. The started that appointment with an ultrasound and always did baby boy first so it was no different until the tech had to go get my doctor right then and there. He had come in and the tech went up on the upper left side of my tummy where baby girl liked to hang out and there was no heart beat.

Tears lots of tears.

The silver lining was that baby boy was not being affected and he was still on track looking good and healthy. I now had more doctor appointments. Explaining to our boys that only one baby was going to come home with us. Explaining that to family and friends. Two things were constant in my life at that point lots of tears and lots of prayers and those thing remained as constants. On May 14 2014 my babies were born my boy came in screaming making his precious life be known. While my baby girl was silent. I could have heard a pin drop in the OR room.

It has only been these weeks but I believe my baby girl had a purpose in her short time with us. She helped us turn to God when things get tough. We were able to find community within our church that we had just started going to in November.

The tears and prayer have remained constant in our lives and even though I would have loved to hold my baby girl take her home and out her in pretty pink dresses. I have my wonderful husband, my fantastic boys now 3 of them, a wonderful relationship with my church family. And I was able to say I am worthy of being a child of God.

And without my baby girl I would not have the last two things in my life at this point. She is already out to rest and her memorial service is coming up and I plan on honoring her little life as much as I can. By being the best mom to my boys, the best wife to my husband and the best daughter of God that I can be.

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And I Felt It

Told by: Andrea

We found out I was pregnant with our second pregnancy at the end of October. I felt nauseous three days before I was even late for my period so I had a feeling we got pregnant right away. Sure enough, 4 days later, I tested positive.

I was feeling increasingly tired each day, and was not concerned that this would end in miscarriage. At 7.5 weeks, I went in for our first ultrasounds, and just like my first pregnancy, all we could see was the yolk sac. My NMW was concerned about a blighted ovum and told me to come back a week later, as I was only measuring on the cusp of 6 weeks- which would still be normal to not see the fetal pole and heartbeat. I came back a week later without my husband as he had to work, and lo and behold…there were now TWO yolk sacs, two fetal poles, and one baby with a beating heart. While I was sad that one didn’t have a heartbeat, it was also measuring smaller, so we thought perhaps by the next ultrasound it would catch up. I also knew vanishing twins is common, and was prepared for that.

I continued to feel pregnant (aka ill), so again- I was not prepared for what lay ahead. We took our almost 3 year old daughter to our next ultrasound 1 week later and I was immediately uncomfortable. I can’t tell you why- I still don’t know. I just had an icky feeling. I saw right away that the babies hadn’t grown at all, and that the one baby that did have a beating, appeared to have lost the heartbeat somewhere right after our previous appointment. I still didn’t believe it.

They sent me up to OB and I had to wait for a doctor whom I’ve never met to tell me that I had lost the pregnancy. She had looked back through all the previous ultrasounds and noticed that it wasn’t growing as we would expect, and that the heart rate was low which can indicate miscarriage. She informed me that I had the option to do a D&C, or wait to miscarry on my own. I opted to wait to miscarry on my own. I had given birth before, I wanted to say goodbye in the privacy of my own home. So, I went home and cried.

I cried all the way home. I felt grief that I didn’t expect to feel- after all, I barely knew these two little ones existed- how could my heart hurt so much? But, I was experiencing the loss of hope, the loss of a dream, the loss of a future part of our family and I felt it.

After a week, I had gradually lost all of my symptoms. I was only having twinges of cramping and some very light spotting, so I went to my Naturopathic MD who gave me some homeopathic medications that would basically start a period (or induce labor if the pregnancy is unviable). About 4 days after that I started having heavy HARD cramping, and I began to miscarry.

It was so much more painful than I thought- it was a full on labor, not just a heavy period. I was not prepared for that. It was about 8-9 hours of off and on heavy, hard contractions, and then I would lose some tissue, rest, start all over again. The bleeding was pretty heavy, so I ended up going to urgent care, who then sent me to the ER to do an ultrasound to make sure the miscarriage was complete.

Thankfully, by the time I got there, I had passed everything on my own and had no need for a D&C. The real grief hit me the next day- that huge drop in hormones. Boy. That was so tough. I just couldn’t stop crying- but I let myself feel it all. All the anger, sadness, hurt, loss. These were mine, after all. And they are no longer.

Then came the awkward situations that would stir up heartache- hearing others announce their pregnancy at the time I would have, seeing announcements of a due date that was the same as mine. Just having to be reminded that I am not pregnant anymore. It is so hard. But, I do believe we will have more children. I have a lot of hope in that.

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One Day at a Time

Told by: Andrea

I found out I was pregnant in the 3rd week of October, 2013. We were so excited!!

It didn’t take us any time at all to get pregnant. My numbers were rising steadily and I felt pregnant- my boobs hurt, was nauseous, extremely exhausted, etc. All of those “reassuring” sick feelings.

I went in at 7.5 weeks from my LMP and had the internal ultrasound. At that point, all we saw was the yolk sac. This had happened in my first pregnancy (of which we have a healthy, thriving 3 year old girl) so I was not worried. I also ovulate late, so I figured my dating would be off. I came in 1 week later and was so nervous! I was SHOCKED to see two little yolk sacs with their little bodies forming. Only one had a heartbeat at the time, the other was measuring a few days behind. But all looked good. My Midwife called me later that day and told me that the heart rate was a little low, but it could also be normal- it was too early to tell. She continued to monitor my HCG which at that point was VERY high due to twin pregnancy, and we were instructed to come back in 10 days to see how things were going.

My husband took the day off, and our daughter came with us. Immediately- I felt ill at ease. I can’t tell you why- I don’t know.

The tech didn’t say much but I could tell the babies had not grown, and at that point I should have been able to see their little nubs wiggling, as well as the heart fluttering like I had seen the week before. Again, she said nothing but “I need to go speak to our radiologist. I will be right back.” I was immediately angry.

I knew something was wrong. I was sent upstairs where they confirmed that neither baby was living and went over my options for a D&C, natural miscarriage, etc. I wanted to do this in the privacy of my home because I didn’t know what kind of emotions I would be experiencing at that time. I kept it together in the doctor’s office but cried the whole way home.

I had just ordered our Christmas cards which were our pregnancy announcement. Now I had to throw them away. Then began the wait for my body to recognize that I was no longer pregnant. I can’t really describe that feeling- anger, sadness, pain…and around those three again for a while. I began to take evening primrose oil to help soften my cervix (in case I ended up needing a D&C, I knew it would help open things up as it had in my previous pregnancy.) I waited, and thankfully my husband was home. I began having intense contractions. I was not prepared for that, as it ended up being more like true labor than a heavy period.

I had contractions for about an hour- very painful, couldn’t breathe contractions. I sneezed and felt my water break. Things quieted down and I kept my eye on the tissue coming out. I was in the “zone” so to speak and didn’t feel a whole lot of emotion at the time. I continued to pass quite a bit of tissue and then felt stronger contractions coming on at which time I passed what I think was probably the amniotic sac and babies. I started to feel nauseous and dizzy and to my great grief- I was not able to see them. I would have loved to have held them-just once, as tiny as they were.

It didn’t really hit me emotionally until the next day. I was so sore. So exhausted. So sad. I could barely hold my daughter. I was not prepared for the sense of loss I would feel- and still feel today. As the symptoms began to leave one by one. And I would find that the littlest thing would bring tears to my eyes- how much I would still love to be pregnant today. My motto is one day at a time. I am allowing myself the grace to feel everything that comes, as that is the only way we gain meaning from such a dreadful experience.

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223 Days

Told by: Sibyl

In August 2012, we found that we were pregnant with our 4th child. We were shocked to find out because at the time I was on birth control. I admit, I cried a few tears. I was so scared. There was no way that I could handle 4 kids!!! My husband comforted and encouraged me, and in a few days I became excited about our new little bean. I went into my obgyn office to have the pregnancy confirmed, and set up an appointment for our first ultrasound.

 

October 29, the day of our ultrasound appointment arrived. My husband had taken off work to be there. We loaded our 3 girls into the car, dropped them off at grandma’s house and then headed to the doctor’s office. We made jokes and chatted excitedly as we waited for the ultrasound to begin. The tech placed the wand on my abdomen and looked around for what seemed like an eternity. She looked at my paper work and asked if I was sure of the date of my last period. Of course I was, I’d taken my birth control perfectly. She suggested it was too early to see anything on her older equipment, and the doctor referred us out to a specialist. We had our first higher level ultrasound later that day that confirmed 2 yolk sacs, 2 fetal poles, but no heartbeats measuring 7 weeks. We went back for our follow up ultrasound, and on 11/12/2012, our 6th wedding anniversary we got the news. There was no growth and no heartbeat. I had a D&C on 11/13/2012.
Our story doesn’t end there. After our missed miscarriage, I was hurt, but I found comfort in knowing this was God’s plan. I was hopeful that he would bless us with another baby in the future, so I started praying. On March 13, 2013, we had our pregnancy confirmed at my obgyn’s office. This time there were no tears. I was over the moon!!! I had prayed, and God had answered. We were having our rainbow baby. His EDD was 11/13/2013, a year to the date of our D&C. This had to be God’s plan.

 

Because of our previous loss, my doctor had us come in every 2 weeks to check on the baby’s growth. Everything looked perfect. My husband and I were too excited to wait until the anatomy scan, so we went for an elective scan. We found out that day that we were having a boy. Our first boy after 3 little girls. This was just perfect!!

ultrasound

My pregnancy progressed normally throughout the next few months. We were all so excited. We started buying cute little boy clothes and cloth diapers. Our 3 girls (ages 2,4,6) couldn’t wait to meet their little brother, and neither could I.  I felt great….life was great!!

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On September 17, everything changed. My youngest daughter woke me up early as usual and we lay in my bed watching cartoons. Usually our little man was kicking like crazy, but that morning I felt nothing. I poked and prodded, but figured he was having a lazy day. I went about the rest of morning, homeschooled the girls and made lunch. Usually the baby would kick when I say down for lunch, but nothing. I started to get worried. I drink some juice and tried laying on my side. Nothing. I tried to find his heart beat with the Doppler, nothing. I called the doctor’s office and they told me to head to labor and delivery to get monitored. I cooked dinner, waited for my husband to get home to stay with the girls and headed to the hospital.

 

After getting me hooked up to the monitors and an ultrasound, it was confirmed that our little one no longer had a heartbeat. I couldn’t believe that this had happened. I mean this boy was our rainbow. I had prayed for him. On September 18 at 1:18 pm Anthony DeWayne Lilly Jr was born silent at 32 weeks. He weighed 4 lbs 8 oz and measured 18 1/2 inches long. He was completely perfect from head to toe.

birth
It’s been 34 days since I delivered my angel Aj.
34 days ago, I wasn’t sure how we were going to go on with our lives without our son. How were we going to tell our girls? What about the dreams we had for AJ’s future? But our God is awesome!! His strength has sustained us, brought us closer to him. My testimony has just begun. I have hope that the past is not the prediction for the future, and that sorrow is not what is promises for the rest of our lives. God’s promises are real and true, and I know that his blessings will continue to fall on our family. I have felt God’s presence even more since we lost Aj, and I’m not ashamed to say that all my strength has come from him. He has given me hope and peace. God is good!

I will praise you forever for what you have done; in your name I will hope, for your name is good.

I will praise you in the presence of your saints. Psalm 52:9

223 days….the number of days my little man grew in my tummy. A life so short has made such an impact on me. I am forever changed! I’ve been broken into a million pieces, but God continues to glue those pieces back together, cementing them with his strength and love. I am a work in progress…..and Aj dear son, you have helped mommy grow in ways I never imagined. I know that God told you “well done” when he welcomed you home.

I thank God for you.

Our Angel Prince David

Told by: Giselle

Oct. 31, 2011 – Dec. 19th, 2011
My husband, David and I, had been married for almost 4 years, since October 19th, 2007 during this time. We had been trying to conceive  since 2008.
We had a twin miscarriage on December 17th, 2008 after praying for twins.
We miscarried the first one around 3-4 weeks and the 2nd one at 8 weeks gestation. I opted not to have a D&C and allow my body to process naturally and my body did exactly 2 weeks from the last ultrasound. I went through a lot of grief between the doctors not wanting me to miscarry naturally and then with the pathologist personnel when I went to pick up my twins remains.
We then waited about 2 years to TTC again, I went through a terrible bout of depression of not wanting to let go of my babies. I finally had a breakthrough and we finalized the funeral services. I found that once we did the services and I was able to let go through the physical that I was mentally able to move forward with life.
By the end of 2010 I was able to start thinking about TTC again. We started TTC in January and became frustrated with negative tests and charting month after month. In May of 2011 we went to a Church Conference in Chicago, Illinois. On the first night of the conference, while I was praying and speaking to the LORD during the service, I said to the LORD, if I was pregnant to please have that preacher come over to me and tell me that I’m expecting because Lord I am sooo tired of negative after negative testing, and I need to know right now. Well the preacher came over to me while my eyes were closed and put his hands on my shoulder, and at that moment I was stunned and knew what he was going to say. He said You have been praying for a miracle and GOD is going to bless you!
Right then and there I jumped for joy and screamed my heart out and told my husband we are pregnant! The next day we ran to Dollar General and bought a pregnancy test and it surely came out positive!   While in Chicago, I also got the opportunity to meet one of my long time  Doula friends from facebook, Tricia F. I was ecstatic!  I told her what happened and she was excited with us! She even was sweet enough to bring me to the pregnancy clinic to get the test in writing. She also took us around Chicago to Trader Joe’s and also Cutie Poops and Bottoms! We had a blast with her and her fabulous family!
When we got back home from Chicago we started picking out hospitals and started going to appointments. The dating tests from the hospitals didn’t line up with our gestation dates from the start and that was even with charting, so we were stressed. There was at least 5-8 weeks in discretion. He measured small from the start.
Finally about 22 weeks were told he had marginal cord insertion and that was the reason why he was so measuring small. I researched and contacted a trusted friend of mine on FB that is very knowledgeable who basically told me it was nothing to worry about other than the baby will be small because of the position of the cord on the placenta. I usually have small babies anyway so I wasn’t too worried about having a small baby.
Well I ended up going into labor at around 32 weeks. After 3 days of labor and praying that he not be born on Oct. 31st, 2013, Our LiL Prince David was born on that day at 10:04pm barely 2 hours shy of midnight!
He was born crying and pink. He was soo cute and very strong. I still can’t believe he passed away.  It boggles my mind beccause he had a 9 on his apgar score. They couldn’t get in to his nose because he was soo tiny but his lungs were strong enough for him to blow out his own mucus.
That was the first and the last time we heard him cry!
He lived for exactly 7 weeks and he fought to live the entire time. We fought for him, trying to get doctors to give him my breastmilk and for them to use other drugs and other methods but all of our desires, ideas, and thoughts were thrown out of the window. I never felt sooo incapacitated in my whole life. I could not do anything for my child. I felt as if I had failed him. The doctors would not listen to us and it just seemed as if he was being killed slowly right before our very eyes. All of our dreams for our precious baby boy were being thrown out of the window.
I didn’t know what else to do. We prayed, sought counsel, tried to find a patient advocate, tried to get him transferred to another hospital but nothing. I kept envisioning myself within a shack in the midst of a terrible rain and thunderstorm with lots of lightening going around and strong gusts of wind. I knew I was safe as long as I stayed within the shack but I kept looking out the window at the storm and wondering when it would ever be over. I kept feeling the desire to be in both places in the storm; with my son or to stay inside out of the way of the storm and just watch my son from the window.  It was such a battle for me. I kept praying because I wanted my son no matter what.
He ended up having kidney failure and swelling up like a balloon.  He got soo big in the end he looked like he was going to burst.  I was scared for what he was feeling my poor lil helpless guy.  I was soo tormented watching him go through this and just kept asking GOD why LORD, he is a baby, my baby! I put my hands under him since I could not carry him, one under his head and the other under his bottom (we never got to carry him until he passed away) and said:
 LORD whatever Your will is may Your will be done..not my will oh LORD but Your will be done. This is my son my love my heart my ultimate sacrifice my all is on the alter for You may Your will be done. My will is that he lives and not perish. Here is my Isaac.
I kissed him and hugged him, that was the last day I saw his eyes open. He swelled even more until his eyes were swollen closed shut and he passed away 3 days later. The last night he lived me and my hubby sang to him consistently all night long, praising GOD all night long. His stats were the highest they had been in a while he seemed peaceful as long as my hubby sang to him.
When he passed later that day we had just stepped out of the room to go get something to eat but we never made it past the lounge area and got called back to the room. When we got there he was gone and the machines were off. I finally got to hold my lil angel, not the way I wanted to. He fought the good long fight and he was in Heaven with Our LORD and Savior!  At least we know we will see him again some day very soon!
Atleast we know we will see him again some day very soon! In the meantime I will continue to tell his story and help others through the ministry that was birthed through him, With These Hands Ministries and our FaceBook page.
We also had so much breastmilk left over from me pumping for him and I did not want it to go to waste So I donated over 350 ounces to The Human Milk Bank of North Texas (HMBONT) It went to a family in need right away. In the collage below is a tree they created to honor the family’s of Angel’s whose milk was donated in their honor. The memorial  tree is called Carmens Tree located in Austin, Texas. Our little prince has his own leaf on the tree (pictured below). I am soo glad that we were able to help someone in his honor!
His legacy will live on through me, his father, his big brother Gabriel and now through his rainbow sister as well. Our rainbow, AimeeRose Grace was born on August 20, 2012! AMEN!
 I will seek unto God, and unto God will I commit my cause.

JOB 5:8