Getting to Know Me

Shared by: A Stillbirthday Mother

A part of our Love Letters to Our Bodies

I was pregnant in 2007. At 23 weeks I made the ultrasound morphology (4D).

Unfortunately, my baby had a problem – my baby had no eyes and likely problems on the brain. There is no cure for it.

I had three days to decide…

So I made a birth induction. In the hospital, I didn’t want to touch my belly, afraid to get too attached. When I came back home, my baby belly was not to see anymore – no stretch marks – it looked like nothing happened.

When we made the decision, I hoped to not see an empty container. I had lost a great deal of my weight, and it has taken years to resume it. Also, my breasts became very small, from an M to a XS-S.

I hated to see my skinny body in the mirror.

After time, I started to re-touch my belly. Now, I have a special balm for my navel, for homeopathic support of my feminine body, and to be in contact with this part of my body in the hopes of welcoming new life.

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BIRTH & BEREAVEMENT QUOTES

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She was a genius of sadness, immersing herself in it, separating its numerous strands, appreciating its subtle nuances. She was a prism through which sadness could be divided into its infinite spectrum.

— Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything Is Illuminated

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.

— C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

I am strong.

— January, founder of Birth Without Fear

When someone you love dies, and you’re not expecting it, you don’t lose her all at once; you lose her in pieces over a long time—the way the mail stops coming, and her scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in her closet and drawers. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of her that are gone. Just when the day comes—when there’s a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that she’s gone, forever—there comes another day, and another specifically missing part.

— John Irving, A Prayer for Owen Meany

They say time heals all wounds, but that presumes the source of the grief is finite.

— Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince

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